Swimming Against The Current

As a casual studier of Buddhist philosophy one of the many themes that comes out of that is the idea of learning to stay present and not get lost in a string of past memories or future concerns. I don’t think until recently I can say I had experienced why this was taught so fervently.

I wrote at the beginning of the year in the post Start the Year: Resolutions 2009 that one of my goals was to learn to come to peace with my career in the IT industry, after a struggle almost as long as I’ve been in it. This struggle came out of a large part of me that wanted to leave and pursue writing and/or photography professionally, but couldn’t afford to.

One year into my Computer Science degree I started writing my science fiction books. Looking back on that work it was very rudimentary, but I knew then just how good writing made me feel, where as my honeymoon period with programming was coming to an end and I was finding it frustrating and draining.

However I kept going with my degree as I knew I wouldn’t get another shot at University (my health up to that point had put me in hospital three times and the fact I was taking a course of this magnitude was well beyond anyones expectations of me). I originally went into this field because I naively thought that I could earn enough to work part time to help my health, but even after ten years this still hasn’t happened.

Soon after I graduated and after I started out in the real world of work, I found I was getting sucked into this specialised field and the worst part was I was good at it. I think it would be easier to quit if I wasn’t, but it was the best way to keep a roof over my head. This pattern magnified with every year that went by and every line on my CV. Until now where financially there is no way we could afford for me to start from scratch again.

For along time this made me feel trapped and depressed, neither attitude did wonders for my health. Coming in and associating your work place with these feeing just magnified my frustration everyday. This eventually made me so fatigued that even writing became a struggle. I felt like I had no energy for anything else after work had taken it’s toll.

I found the only way to cope was to hang onto fantasies that something would happen to take me out of the rat race, that a ton of money or investment would land in my lap and I could stay at home and wouldn’t have to work at anything unless I chose to. I kept  imagining a course of events that would excuse me from these daily demands. These daydreams became so real that when they didn’t happen I felt almost suicidal. It was as if I expected a guardian angel to pop into existence and save me from this hell.

So when I made my pledge this year to find peace with my line of work, I was telling myself I had to let go of the fantasy and deal with the present. At first I fell into the same old traps every time I was in pain and hadn’t slept, or was anxious about what I had to do that day. But as I came out of my first winter here in Denmark and I finished my trial period at my new job, I felt like something had finally lifted. I stopped swimming against the current and started dealing with what was right in front of me and nothing else.

If I look at where I am now it’s no so bad: I’m still writing, sure not as much as I would like, but in a way it takes the pressure of it. (See the post: The Need for Something Needless) I know if I was doing it freelance then there would be the stress of finding work and marketing myself. My quality of life in Denmark has improved in so many little ways that I’m in a much better position to look after myself and enjoy life more.

I look around me and I see a beautiful house in the middle of nowhere, my relationship with my partner has gone through a renewal and is stronger than ever. We have a cat that fits in our little family as if we had known her our whole life. I have a workplace that is supportive and will allow me to grow in new directions. Even the move to Denmark was smooth and everything we needed came exactly when we needed it, as if it was destined to be.

Just a few months before I was able to blank out all this wonderful good luck and dwell in darkness of my mind detached from the present. Depression can turn gold into dust, light into darkness. The transition away from this mindset did not happen overnight. I started just watching the world go by on the bus, instead of letting my mind wander. I now do ten minutes of meditation each morning, where I just allow myself to let go of all the roles I’m expected to play and just be here now. In fact I do the same thing when I lay down to go to sleep, knowing I’ve done all I need to do for the day and I can let it all go. Now when I wake up I don’t start the day with that “oh no it’s morning now I’ve got to go to work” feeling that would hang in my stomach like lead. I feel lighter, happier and more content. There is less on my mind.

There was no one method that got me here, but I know without making that resolution I may not have started the process, even if most of it was sub-conscious. All I know is I feel like I’ve turned a big corner and that no matter what might be round the next one I don’t have to deal with it until its before me. It takes far less effort to just ride the current, no matter where it takes me, as I know that’s where I’m supposed to go. If I struggle against it I have no energy to face what I must, so I can grow into the person I am to become.

I offer these words for reflection…