The Need for Something Needless

I’m a recovering workaholic and perfectionist. I’m used to filling my time with all sorts of tasks that ‘only I can get done’. Recently I’ve started extending that to the potential of an activity to grow into a really productive project and therefore ‘not a waste of time’.

Having started a new job and constructed a new routine I realised that everything I put into my schedule was about keeping a roof over my head, organising the house, developing my hobbies into a new career, constantly growing and becoming a ‘better person’.

As I mentioned in my news blog I had my 3rd week slump in my job where the fatigue sets in, this wasn’t news to me as it has happened many times before, but what was is how I dealt with it. What I did was to find something needless, something I could do that would take my mind off my ‘to do list’ and just do something for the fun of it. I often saw this kind of activity as a distraction from my worries, as a way to reject or ignore them, but I realised there was a difference in my intention this time, this was about finding a balance.

I first realised this when I picked up the guitar to just pay a few tunes because I felt like it. At some point my partner said I was playing the song too slow and this triggered that perfectionist in me, but instead of playing it the ‘right’ way I just stopped and played something only I knew, not to avoid criticism and hide, but because I wanted a space where I didn’t have to be perfect. I wanted to play not perform.

I needed something needless. I’m not playing the guitar so that one day I can get in a band, go on X-Factor and who knows where that might lead, oh no. I’m playing because when its me, in a room, on my own, with a guitar, I get a release. It has nothing to do with other people or where it might lead, it’s to do with how it makes me feel. Not everything I do has to lead somewhere or even be good.

After I realised this I started playing poker again, but this time just played the free tables. This worked even better than I imagined. Sure I began thinking perhaps I’d play for small stake just for fun, but the truth is that unless it was for fun I know it wouldn’t work. I know that there is no chance I’d be a pro-poker player, not because I don’t have the potential for developing the skill (if anything this last year has shown me is I do have that) but rather because I don’t know if I would want to risk one of my few safely valves in my life.

Something needless allows me to be here now and enjoy myself instead of delaying gratification for what could be in the future, as I have spent most of my life. Most importantly I need it so that I can let go of the idea of constantly being perfect, as my working life often demands, giving me something that demands nothing where I can finally be off duty and let my brain rest. Writing used to do this for me but now it is growing into my second career. I try not to think of it as work but it does require a lot of energy and I can easily over do it without realising it if I don’t keep this in mind.

As Bertrand Russell so eloquently put it “Wasting time is not time wasted”. So if you wind yourself up, trying to do everything and to do everything right, find something needless like I did. Something you can enjoy no mater if your good at it or not, even if you have to be alone to do it. Something that provides you with that inner balance so you can face your daily demands with an peaceful heart and not with a worn mind.

I offer these words for reflection…

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