Being Rushed Is Just A Feeling

Ever wake up and feel from the moment consciousness seeps back into your brain in the morning, until the final moment that fleets through your thoughts at night, that life is just one big rush?

I used to find myself always jumping up to get things done out of some ingrained childhood habit of seeking approval. I don’t know what it is about me, but my time never feels like mine, even when as a professional I’m mostly in change of my diary. When a email pops into my box I rush to get things done, causing the conditions of those who like to delegate to come back to me next time they can’t be bothered to do something.

This habit, combined with a compulsive inability to say no and low self esteem, has caused me to rush through most my life; impulsively jumping all over the place in order to please. However I was not satisfied with just this level of neurosis. I spent a lot of my life also trying to be perfect at everything I do, due to a very strict and pushy father. If I wasn’t perfect at it and it wasn’t career worthy, it was a waste of time. I haven’t spoken to him since 2002, but still these tendencies are only starting to reveal how deep the root is.

This year I’ve been doing some ’self retreat’ work during my sick time, holidays and with my meditation practise. Since then I’ve noticed how long it takes me to completely unwind from a day of work. Even at home if there are things to be done I’ll be rushing to get them sorted so I can sit in my chair in peace for the evening.

Sometimes when I change my routine because I go on holiday or go back to work, or I get a second wind after over doing it, it usually triggers mania so I can’t sleep and my mind is buzzing with loads of ideas. This phase is when I’m really prone to get myself entangled in all sorts of projects in order to create a sense of worth by my productivity, especially if it’s off my own steam. This just increases the rush as my mind charges about at a million miles per second. Then when I crash shortly afterwards and have to take a day off these ‘commitments’ are doomed to fail, leave in their wake a sense of worthlessness.

For so long I thought mania was just being normal, as it was the only time I seemd to get things done. When you look around sometimes at commuters in the streets you can see why. Everyone seems to be going at a supper fast pace. Personally I think this country expects too much from us, which is why I think the family unit is crumbling compared to the European continent as we have a poorer work-life balance.

So having noticed this tendacy to rush and how it sparks mood swings, it dawned on me (with thanks to some Dharma talks!) that being rushed is just a feeling. I don’t have to have my head at work the second I wake up. I’m not paid for that. I don’t have to reprimand myself for taking an extra minute over things because I needed to take a deep breath and tell myself to relax. It’s OK to look out for myself. This feeling is just a conditioned mess of neurons firing in my brain, nothing definitive about the nature of reality.

Obviously there are some things that are time dependant like catching the bus, but having given myself an extra five minutes in my morning routine simply dedicated for ‘not rushing’ it’s amazing how much better I feel in the long run. Sometimes I have a few minutes after I’m ready to just sit down and clear my mind. That never used to happen before. If you know me, you’ll know I’m a chronic insomniac and early mornings aren’t fun, but even I can manage to get up 5 minutes earlier for my mental health, in fact it’s 15 minutes if you include my mini meditation session.

However, like I’ve learned all my life, once you can see a negative thought or pattern you have to digg it up to get the root out. You may know intellectually there is no justification for something but emotionally it takes time for the heart to heal and let go of it’s habit to close down in the rush. But like a puppy that was ill treated it can be tamed and brought back to health, with time patience and love. No-body should be so important as to make you disregard your needs, not even your lover…and if I can figure that out then hopefully by writing this you can too

How we start the day drastically affects how the day goes. If we start nervous, impatient and frustrated then it’s no surprise this lingers and spoils the whole day like an infection. So take it easy, blow off some steam and like Bertrand Russell said: “Wasting time is not time wasted”, especially if it’s spent on yourself.

For The Hole Inside Everyone

I decided today that my blog deserved a name change. As this blog was very much connected with my fumblings through life and my attempts to make clear what I have learned by writing them down, the name ‘Becoming Miss Brown’ seemed to fit. Now I’m not so sure. I think really what I’ve been trying to do in a vague way is address that part of us that feels separate, alone and in need of support. We all have that spot in side us that feels a sense of lacking constantly dogging us through life. So when I’ve had the energy I’ve tried to pour it into this blog and other writing outlets.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Dharma Talks (see my blog rolls below), which is where I got the idea of the name and the idea to abandon it. At first the idea of constantly ‘becoming’ appealed, it was like my being had a life all of its own, constantly in flux, changing and learning all the time. But I see now that really the notion behind that idea is one I can let go of. This idea of constantly perfecting oneself suggests fundamentally that there is something wrong about where we are right now, in all it’s beauty and ugliness. Right now is all we have and we all seem to be taught to perpetually distract ourselves from it.

So as with all things in life, names are impermanent. Where I can, health, time and energy permitting I will come back here with stories for the heart. I believe that is where the hole is felt. We are taught to cut ourselves off from the pain of the world and therefore we are taught to stop listening to the heart. If you don’t believe me try meditating on your heart, breathing through it and see if something stirs inside of you. One moment that can bring the hole to light, to feel it and heal it with attention. To hear it out.