The Cost of Hesitance

It’ been a while since I’ve had any consistency with writing, a lot of this is down to the fact that getting back into work after this chronic period has been tough and as usual taken most of my energy in a day.

I’ve also been putting off spending money on my self again. Poor Ray has been trying to get me to buy my camera for nearly a year now, but even in the little things I let my needs slide. This hesitancy has been my curse for a long time, back to when I realized at a very young age that we were poor and that I could save the family money by taking care of things and making them last as long as possible and keeping quite until I hit a crisis. Normally if I verbalise something then it’s usually long past the point of casual want. However I’ve just broken that tradition buy ordering some new picks for my guitar hehe.

Procrastination is another curse, little habits and patterns easily eat away at good writing time. A lot of it is getting around these problems and seeing them for what they are. Like, for example, I’ve had a kind of rule in my head that I always write in Word first then copy it over to the web, so I always have a hard copy. But then I have these templates, some of which are at home and some at work, so of course the one I need isn’t there. I force the issue into a box, rather than just letting go and writing. This all conspires together to prevent me getting started.

It also removes the association with this blog as something to pour myself into as I do the bulk of the work in a package I use for my job, turning my experience with the blog into a mere showcase and my work into something far more professional looking than personal. I can make backups afterwards can I not? How does it take so long for me to figure that out?

The other thing I’ve been hesitant over is the next move. I’ve tried to remind myself that I was not always so settled here. That one day I arrived and this was all new territory and I coped. But there is something really big about leaving the country of your birth to live abroad for the first time. It has taken me some practice to rest in the idea of emigrating and to release the attachment that provided the illusion of a security blanket by knowing the culture.

I’ve also had to reassess the notion that my self worth is connected to my physical well-being. I’m not a failure because I struggle to hold a job because my body can’t take it for long stretches. It’s not that I’m not capable; I’ve successfully done anything I’ve put my mind to so far. All I have to do to remind myself of that is to look at my guitar; something I thought I’d never really play again and certainly never expected to enjoy quite so much as I am.

All this is to say that when I hold back, when I put off, when I shy away from without good reason, I’m delaying the wheel of change that offers me the chance to move closer to peace.

I offer these words for consideration…

New Year’s Resolutions

2007 has covered lots of ground, some of it fast paced others dragged out to the point of absurdity. I thought It would be a good idea to catch up since it’s been a while and combine it with a resolution list.

I find it’s useful to refocus my intentions at this time of year, since it is the season for it. I use my reflections of 2007 to refine my direction, make my goal’s more realistic and since I feel like I’ve gone round the world and back in my brain it would probably do me some good to get it out of my head and onto the page so I can put it away. So here grouped into relevant categories are my new year’s resolutions for 2008, take from it what you will:

Writing

Well this is the big one for me. I’m trying to commit to three blogs and three helium articles a month (one a week with a week off), weather or not this is realistic on the long term who knows but to have some goal in mind is better than writing aimlessly. I’m ghost writing on a book project with an accompanying free promotional e-book which has taken priority now.

I’m also trying to gather together all my material over the year in diaries, notes and blogs to put together into a blook (for the blooker prize) this is my secondary book project for the year.

I’m taking a well earned sabbatical from my science fiction series (it’s been a7 year slog so far!). I need to do a lot of admin work to get my notes into the computer so I can reference them easier when writing the series, which is a big job and I know I’m procrastinating on it but to get started on that this year would be good if I’ve got the time and energy.

I still want to work with Helium to practise my journalistic writing and reviews and showcase my work for other markets, which I would like to start approaching more this year.

Music

Well this is a late comer in the list because until I went sick I hadn’t really been playing the guitar for a while. I was able to restring the two classical guitars this year, so the goal next year will be on building my musical library of songs that I’m capable playing with my dodgy hands. I want to build up the calluses on my fingers and work on increasing my endurance for how long I can play at a time without discomfort. I also want to start doing vocal stretches to improve my singing range so I can do a better vocal performance with the guitar.

Photography

My big buy for this year is defiantly going to be my camera (Canon 400D Digital SLR). I had a chance last year to get one and blew it by freaking out about spending that much money on myself and instead paid off the credit card, which funnily enough right now is back to where it started from, so the IRS tax return got spent on a credit card bill! (agh why did I do it!) So this year I’m determined to get it, somehow.

Denmark

This is the big move. I was getting unsure about leaving the country during this recent period of depression, but now on the way out of this mood storm I feel back on track again. So this year is all about laying the foundations of the move and getting across if at all possible. It’s a place I want to take a gamble on, just like Yorkshire was and even though it didn’t work out here I survived, so if it doesn’t work out in Denmark I’m sure I’ll survive there also.

Buddhism

My main aim is stepping up my practise a notch. I want to find a good sanga; a good meditation group that I can practise with, either whilst I’m here in the UK and/or in Denmark. I want to also get back into the habit of starting the day with a short meditation and continue reading and listening to the Dharma; it has been of particular help through this difficult period.

Health

Really all I want to do is build on what I’ve done this year: keep the swimming up, doing the daily stretches and pacing myself.

Food

I’m considering combining my love of food with writing, doing reviews and recipes. As ever I will endeavour to try news things and not to get stuck in the same old eating habits. To put my fork down when I’m full (as this means you were actually full 10 minutes ago; signal lag) I will also trying to maintain this little and often diet I’ve had recently, keep up the baking as it has been the only thing keeping me from losing all my weight this year due to my meds!

Entertainment

As ever keeping a pulse on the world of film, snooker and science fiction and writing my reviews in Helium.

Social

I’m trying to be more mindful of other people and to not close up in fear that they want something from me. I also need to participate and engage with people in a more relaxed manner and not as tense as I have been in the past, but equally I’ve got to learn to defend myself and say when enough is enough when people take advantage. Most importantly I’ve got to learn to delegate.

~

Well that all I’ve got to say right now. Who knows what course this year will bring and how close I get to these goals, all I know is without an idea we are aimless and have no yard stick by which to measure the success of our steps towards peace.