New Year Resolutions 2012

I have being writing up my goals and achievements on this blog for a few years now, although I did miss last years due to health issues. I’ve decided to reduce how much work I do on them and combine it into one post combining the Start of the Year and the Close of the Year overviews. I’m also going to start restricting the number of areas I focus on, so I can get more done in each project even if I cover fewer over the course of the year; to avoid spreading myself too thin.

So without further ado here are my observations of 2011 in hindsight and resolutions to work towards in 2012:

CLOSE THE YEAR 2011

2011 has be an interesting year where a lot of new thing have begun to take form and some more familar things have changed. It started off with a Writing project with my Copenhagen NaNoWriMo group where five of us decided to do a 10 card tarot reading and use each card as inspiration for each chapter in a book. We split up the chapters so we did two each and a very interesting supernatural fictional story evolved. I was responcible for chapters 6 and the final 10th chapter, which took a bit of work to tie everything together and give it room to grow beyond either end of the book.

I finished the final chapter in October at the same time as my 12th anniversary with (and 1st paper anniversary married to) my husband Ray. It has been a very wonderful journey and I love how we have grown together over the course of our relationship. The other major thing to have happened to us is we finally completed the paperwork on all the loans needed to buy the house we love. The contract took 13 months to complete (which is a long time for Denmark).

We are starting to organise our belongings, now that we no longer need our cardboard boxes, ahead of an Idea Paint project in our livingroom that will convert two large walls into white board. This we want to use to design and work out any number of projects we want to do in our studio. The first of which will be a video game in Unity that I will be working on with my husband and friends. This is in it’s early stages but it is certainly starting to take shape and come together. It is certainly nice to have extended the group by another member in the last month :)

I have in my job as a System Developer moved into a more Testing and Quality Assurance role this year and it has been very interesting to see programming projects from this angle. Also with the video game I am taking on a more project manager role using Trello. So these, in combination with learning Unity, JavaScript and C# have allowed me to expand my horizons alot this year in my IT career.

I have had also reached a milestone in my guitar practise this year. I first started playing the guitar when I was 14 when I got my first guitar. I played for 3.5-4 years everyday non-stop, bar a few days due to ill health. I wrote 50 songs during this time too. I then stopped playing for over 10 years. I started again in September 2007. I realised not so long ago I have been playing longer now this time round than when I first started playing in my teenage years. So it’s nice to be returning to my former self, even if I don’t play daily like I used to back then.

My husband and I also started to face and deal with some health issues this year which we had been putting off, due to fear of the unknown. I am being seen by a Gynacoloist (as I may have Endometriosis and fertility issues) and a Neuroloist because I am getting more of the werid nerve spasms I talked about in my blog For The Hole Inside Everyone back in 2007 called Literally Losing Control.

Also my husband is waiting on a biopsy result and will be seeing a plastic surgon in January. I find now I have made the move to face these things I am relieved that the process has begun and it can finally be dealt with (instead of letting it niggle at the back of my brain, causing me to dwell on darker fears). Now I spend alot of my day sending myself and my husband good wishes to be well. It has been a long time since I allowed myself to cultivate such feeling of well being towards myself due to issues of self worth. It feels like this is starting to unravel unenough to begin the process of letting go. It will be what it will be in the end.

I have also just started using this month the Pomodoro Technique, to help manage my time and to do lists. It also allows you to track your progress easily and get into a better relationship with time and work. It has only been a couple of weeks but already I can see an improvement on my perception of how much I can really get done in a day. It is easy to feel like you have done nothing all day, when really you have undervalued yourself and your work, and not paid attention to how much you’ve actually squeezed into the day. Sometimes work does not yield concrete and obvious results everyday, sometimes it needs to perculate and you need to graft, before it can bloom into completion.

Speaking of perculation the other Writing accomplishment I had this year was getting the start right at last for the first book of my 6 book Sci-Fi series (it has taken me over 11 years to get it right!) Also, quite by surpise, I found myself writing the start of the third book which I have always been itching to write as it involves some interesting characters at different points in their lives that I find fascinating (hence why I’m writing it heh). I put off starting the 3rd book because I hadn’t finished the 1st, nor really started on the 2nd, but I decided not to let that stop me working on the 3rd book and I’m glad I did. I’ve got the first 2.5 chapters done already and the details of the story is starting to open up in my mind :)

START THE YEAR 2012

The first thing I want from the year 2012 is to make our video game a success. My husband and I have tried doing this once before, on a different gaming project, and were hit by a number of staffing and financial issues which caused it to come to a halt. It is now 6 years on from that and I think it’s time to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get back into the gaming arena. The game concept we have is pretty sound and we are getting interest from people we talk to about it, so it feels like we have the basis for a popular game. In fact I am already at the point where I want to play it heh!

Then the next thing I want is to help our collaborative book to be a success (it is written and just needs a polish before it can be put into print). I want to use this as an oppotunity to learn as much as I can about taking a book from the final manuscript into a finished and book selling in print or in digital form. I also want to learn how to spread the word and market a book both in person, online and through other media outlets. This will be invaluable for when I want to sell my 6 book Sci-Fi series later on when it’s ready.

I want to start having a more motivating attitude towards my daily work routine. I have suffered some motivational issues this year in my job, until I started on the Testing and QA work. This is mostly due to the nature of patching large systems and keeping them functional. Sometimes you get left with a killer case that no-one has a clue how to fix and you just bang your head against a wall for days trying to figure it out. This has been one of my major complaints against coding over this long stretch of my life. Those moments when it all comes to a halt can be soul crushing.

This is why I like being involved in other parts of the development life cycle, where I’m not solely responcible for fixing problems and help to point them out before they are rolled out into production. So I want to make the most of the oppotunities in 2012 that I am given in my IT career to grow in a new directions, but that also transfer my technical skills so they are still relevant and useful.

The other thing I want to do is register myself as a Soul Trader for the work I do in my spare time arround my primary job. This is so that I can finally consider myself an artist, whather I create video games, books or music and whatever else I want to do in the future. This free registration application is the business seed that hopfeully it will grow into something bigger further down the line, or at least teach me more about business adminstration and finance which will be useful for any number of reasons.

AND BEYOND THAT

Here are the new passions I envision will become a part of my life sometime soon, but less likely to be within the next year. This is room for new seeds to be cultivated and given space to grow and perculate in my brain in the background:

I think I have had to admit in 2011 that Danish has been difficult to fit into my life, espcailly now I have a large project to start a business from to deal with on the side too. However, even when this wasn’t on the cards I have been struggling to learn Danish. I’ve decided to live with the fact that my Danish is abissmal when listening and speaking. The perfectionist in me doesn’t want to admit that, as it would have me burn out to do everything expected of me, but I have learned not to listen (in this case) this year.

I know one day I will wake up and find I had dreamt in Danish, or catch myself one day thinking in Danish, but it is not to be right now and that is OK. It will come when it is ready and if I need to delay that day alittle to help put me in a postion to better spend the time I really need learning the language, then that seems equally as worthy a route to fluencey as any other. As long as I don’t give up entirely, taking a break is not a crime. I have to remind myself of that every so often though ;-)

Then of course there is the Sci-Fi series. I expect that this will suffer a little in 2012 as the video game will come first and then the collaborative book will come before the series since it is done. However I have great faith that the series is going in the right direction and that I will squeeze in some work on it here and there as I always do ;-)

The other thing I expect will be near on the horizon is my guitar and singing practise. I am looking at getting a new Electric Acoustic Guitar so I can start practising with the intent to perform again. I’ve found a Cafe in Copenhagen that supports local artists and you can apply to play there. So I am thinking or working towards that with regard to my musical abilities in the long term.

So that is all I have to report that I can think of, lets compare notes next year! I hope all of you have a great New Year’s (the fireworks have already begun here lol). I also hope you had a great 2011 and that 2012 will be even better than ever.

Niamh Brown
http://www.niamhbrown.com

Occupying My Mind – Thoughts On What A World Without Money Might Be Like

Back in 2008, at the exact time the financial crisis hit, I was moving to start a new life in Denmark because it was clear that no matter how hard I worked and no matter how much I sacrificed my health to be the bread winner, I would never get ahead in Britain. I live with Fibromyalgia and I am slowly losing my mobility and I was told in 2007 to start working part time but I never could afford to. My husband Ray has never been able to get a job in Britain due to a crippling combination of health problems but because I could work just about he was never eligible for benefits and I got no help or support for caring for him on top of everything else. We decided to risk it all and move to a new country in the hope it could provide us both with a better support network and job opportunities. I can say after being here 3 years now we were right.

However when we landed in Denmark and the economy tanked all our plans kind of went out the window and we found ourselves in a strange house, in a strange land with no income and with all the barriers of not speaking the language. I remember feeling really low at one point, really hoping this economic crisis would spark a domino effect that would put an end to the whole corrupt monitory system by making it crash worldwide, putting everyone back to zero if I can quote the movie Fight Club.

I got to thinking what it would be like to really wean ourselves off our addiction to money and consumerism and with the #OWS movement now out in full force campaigning for our rights to equality and justice I find myself thinking about it all over again. This process has showed me how much could be changed about our day to day lives if we didn’t use this kind of pervasive and perverse system. I think it can be handy, even just as an intellectual exercise if nothing else, to try to step outside the money way of thinking to allow mental space for the possibility of something new to grow. Just as science fition often becomes science fact, given enough time. I don’t claim to hold all the answers and there is so much out there I do not know enough about, but here is my 2 cents on the subject in the small hope it might help someone out there in a better position than I to do something about it:

I find when I read discussions online about leaving money behind it is often assumed we will go back to a barter system or complete anarchy will ensue as looters and hoarders steal and damage what they can, leaving others with nothing. Sure there might be some panic as things shift, resistance to change in natural, but if you look at how the Occupy Wall Street Movement has organised itself amongst all the chaos of police state brutality and have achieved things from the library, catering and camps for large numbers of protesters and homeless, organising peaceful events, to providing the political foundation for serious change in our societal ethos through protest. So I feel confident we will not all regress into the darkest of our animal instincts. Sure there will always be that element to our nature, but if society stops creating monsters through unjust treatment and poverty there will be far fewer problems to deal with in the first place.

As for bartering I doubt it will suddenly stop (we still do it now), but it needn’t be the corner stone of our society. We left bartering behind for money as it provided a better system at the time, so perhaps we can leave money aside for something new too. When the financial crisis hit we may have lost a lot of points on the stock market in some computer somewhere, but our ability to produce only went down in respect of how many people were still employed. If everybody who was in work before the crisis hit then went out and did the exact same job the day after the crisis – we would have produced the same amount of tangible goods and services as before. Our ability did not change overnight, what did was our incentive.

Most of us work because we have to, because it is the only option on the table. This is the model of society we have grown up with, so it only makes sense that the rules of engagement with one another would need to change in order to live without money. The trick is how we make sure that the essential needs of all are covered when we no longer have money as our motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I have long thought that even in places like Denmark where a 37 hour working week and 5-6 weeks’ vacation a year is quite common, that we as a people are over worked (although to be fair Danes on a whole don’t blink about taking on part time study on top of a full time job or staying up late and getting up early on a regular basis) When you are tired, overworked and not getting enough sleep it is harder and harder to face a boring job that doesn’t inspire you (beyond the fear of losing it and your home). This is why I think valuing a person’s time should be the replacement: as we say ‘Time is Money’.

I think that if all our basic needs were met (housing, travel, food, garbage, sewage, water, electricity, heating, clothing, internet etc.) a lot of us would change our careers. I remember being told as a child, after I had picked up the guitar and found I had a knack for it (along with my knack for writing), that I could only do this as a hobby I had to do something ‘practical’ for my day job. By practical, my father meant something that would make me as much money as possible. I got into IT because of this and although this career after 12 years is finally starting to pay off in the usual indicators we would use to measure success, it does not inspire me, it does not make me wake up in the morning with such drive and enthusiasm that I feel satisfied with what I do. I don’t regret going down this path but I’ve always wanted more from my career than it had been able to give me so far.

Now imagine a world where we could funnel the natural enthusiasm of people into vocations that would motivate people to do it regardless of the rewards involved, because they were not counting on the results being linked to the roof over their head. When you are doing something you are passionate about, the means are the ends; there is enjoyment in the journey. One of the great strengths of the human race is our variety. There are so many of us on this planet with so many different areas of interest and specialities to cover our large spectrum of needs. For the jobs where we do struggle to find people and that cannot be left in the hands of technology, we can take a leaf out of the prison model but in the opposite direction.

We can value time as our highest commodity. We can offer non-monetary incentives, such as more holiday or a shorter working week in compensation for the reduced satisfaction people may feel whilst they commit to this essential service for a certain amount of time to meet the demand. (This can also apply to the young who have yet to gain working experience, as well as students and those performing community service). The idea you could have more time at home with the family without it impacting on what kind of home you could afford to live in, whilst providing essential services that benefits everyone I’m sure would be popular as you would get people who would prefer more time at home over retraining for something more demanding of their time. Along with this reduced work load the need for more positions will arise in order to cover the time when people are not working due to the perks of their job.

There will however always be people who can’t work in the traditional sense, either because of ill health or the need to care for someone, or due to maternity leave for example. Society should be able to protect them as much as the people doing the most work on average per week. People should no longer be at the fringes of society because they cannot provide for themselves, weather for a short period or for their rest of their lives. We can however create and provide activities that benefit the community and keep them included in society such as, gardening, child minding, support groups, teaching and art, all whilst providing them with the support they need to function.

This allows us to get everyone included in their community; and the more someone is connected to their community, the less likely they are to trash it for no good reason. We need to rethink the kinds of things that make a difference to human beings when profit is not the motivating factor and therefore what we can really do without, so we can redirect the effort into something that benefits us all. Someone may not get paid a lot to write a song, a book or even a poignant post on Google+ for example, but when the right idea comes along at the right time it can affect us deeply and become invaluable to our culture. This should be considered as contributing to society as much as any other position.

And for the rest, what stops them from just not doing anything and still getting everything they need? Simple, if you don’t have any extenuating circumstances that reduces your work load then you need to be involved somehow in the world that provides for you to the best of your ability. If we don’t all pull together how can anyone expect to have their needs met? Whether this is taking a course, inventing something, finding an organization that is doing interesting things and supporting that, creating your own company or group of likeminded individuals, or even providing a local service to your community or building something new entirely – there will always be plenty to do.

However in whatever position you start with you should always have the option every now and then to grow and go in a new direction if you need it. People shouldn’t be tied to what they thought they wanted at 18 but are trapped because they can’t get out of it without losing pay. The key is to get people involved and excited about what they do for the majority of their lives. If they are excited and enthusiastic the quality of their work will go up and they may even put in more time and effort than was required of them.

Also for employers, because they will not be worrying about the budget balance all the time and how to cut it, telecommuting can spread because there is less need to watch over people 24/7 to make sure they don’t waste shareholder money doing nothing or surfing the web. As long as the work gets done to the standard and deadline required of them, who cares where it is done from and how you manage your time as long as you show up when it is really needed? Of course there are some jobs that can’t be done remotely but it can cut down the car dependency we have for a large chunk of office based commuters, which will be greener whether we drop money or not. A Stanford study recently concluded that people were more effective and produced more on average when they could work at home verses the work place.

We should also be an Idea Economy providing places that inspire creativity, research, innovation and technological developments for next Steve Jobs, Einstein or J. K Rowling. These people all went through unconventional routes that led them to what they were most known for. In my writing group I remember one of the members saying ‘I wonder how many books are out there, sitting in draws because they didn’t feel it was good enough’. Too many of our dreams are crushed early because they are not obviously profitable to begin with, even if they proved to be later on after the fact. We need to cultivate human curiosity, experimentation and ingenuity once more.

So how do we make sure all the essentials are met? Well first off if you are working in an essential service you will get the better holidays/working hours as discussed but for things like food and what we call consumer items how do we make sure this is dealt with sanely? Well there is the option of setting limits on what is reasonably expected an average human in your position needs of any given thing, such as no-one needs more than 5 loaves of bread a day or 5 working TVs at any one time or something like that. People can get different kinds of allowances for different things, such as essential allowances to cover the basics that everyone gets and then health allowance for special needs and work allowance for things you need in order to carry out your job and these would be assessed individually based on the position you hold, but should never be excessive.

This still gives an incentive to be in work as your allowances will expand because of your needs as an employee. However the difference between being unemployed and employed should not be that vast. In Denmark they have a scheme called ‘Flextid’ (flexi time) where people with chronic conditions (such as myself) can work up to 25 hours a week and still get 90% of their wage, the difference is paid by our local kommune (council). So it need not be such a huge gap to be an incentive to work, 10% is enough – it has kept me in full time work for over 3 years and I’m trying to wait as long as possible before relying on it, in case I can’t go back to full time work again.

We could also use a smart card system (instead of credit cards) in order to claim goods. We can reuse the checkout lines whenever we go to a store to track what we have taken to make sure we are entitled to it and work out when people have stepped over the line. This is no more than like giving someone a prescription that is to last a certain amount of time. Yes people could use it all up in one day but they can’t fill another prescription until the last batch is due to run out, unless they can provide evidence of some extenuating circumstance (e.g. if there is a fire and you need to replace everything). It probably gets a bit tricky when it comes to food, but we can see such restrictions in stores already where they sell food so cheap that you can only go away with so many of an item at any one time. Again though, if you know you will always have your needs covered it reduces the need to steal to survive. Also if you can’t resell items, say at a local market or on e-bay, then what is the point it taking more than you need when anyone else you know has the same right and access and has no need to go through a middle man. It will take the extraneous monetary value out of products and return it to its previous state where only its usefulness is the key.

Greed however is a human problem and I doubt it will just evaporate overnight, so we need societal structures that make sure that someone cannot significantly raise their quality of life without raising it for everyone else. We need to disperse power so it cannot end in the hands of the 1% again, but can be controlled by the masses without stagnation and delay. However in a world without money we can still have law. If people steal or try to fraud their way into more resources than is their fair share then of course we can still prosecute or alter the rules for everyone’s sake if it’s deemed reasonable. We can use these moments in the courtroom to confront the boundaries in dispute to see if we are keeping up with the times and making allowances realistic for our needs. This allows plenty of room for us to grow in the future in this system and yet still retain it’s fairness.

However a world without money means that the whole nature of law changes too. We no longer have the issue of the guy with the most money buys the verdict they want by getting the best lawyer on the block. Lawyers will no longer be motivated by money, they might want to be successful but it will no longer be the case that Defending is more profitable than Prosecuting, so it becomes a level playing ground again. Lawyers will do it out of passion for justice and equality and not because of the pay. It will be about who has the best skills for the job, not what someone can afford. It will also cut out all the injury claims law firms, it will stop the spread of polices in schools, hospitals and the like that have to cover their ass so as not to get sued and preventing kids from playing games like conkers in case the school might become liable if there was the slightest incident. This kind of mentality can go; there are better things to be spending our time and energy on.

This would be true also of lobbying. If you take the money out of that system then the only real reason to lobby will be if there is a considerable group in society that feel that a change is needed and true debate could be held, rather than be the tool through which the 1% rule the political spectrum. It will take a dedicated group to pass new laws and amendments because they are motivated enough to do it on its own merit. It would allow so many issues to come to the fore that had been pushed out of sight and out of mind for too long.

For example, there would become great need for proactive preventative medical treatment for all, because the longer and healthier someone’s life is the more time they have to give back to society. It won’t just be about dealing with people once their health has becomes critically ill and they can’t avoid it anymore, but doing what it takes to help people stay active and well throughout the course of their life. As well as usual medical treatments this should include fitness and stress reduction in any form that keep people saner and in good health. The emergency room worries should be about the condition of the patient not about if you can afford treatment or what this will do to your insurance premium.

Now about housing: This is big potential for creating jobs. If there is no money you cannot pay rent or mortgage loans. Really the ideal thing would be to say to start with is: whatever house you are in for now is yours. There are very few reasons why someone needs more than one house and they can always be accounted for in allowances. Yes there will be also shitholes out there, but that is where the jobs come in. So many people don’t have homes or the accommodation they do have is uninhabitable or in run down areas. For those with inadequate housing, we just start a list much like a housing list for council accommodation in Britain, except it registers all available housing, monitors their condition; making repairs when needed. As soon as new or renovated buildings are ready they get matched against the needs of those at the top of the list, with those in the most need due to age, ill health or the condition of their current residence, being given priority for the available housing first.

This of course is a long term thing, but there are many houses that are empty that could be used in the meantime, there are many levels unused in skyscrapers that could be turned easily into apartments too. Then when it comes time for a change and you feel like moving to a different house or area, we can use an agency to manage the wishes for those who want to house swap; creating chains that we often see today in the property market except they will not be waiting on banks to approve mortgages, but waiting on the completion of a chain (by the last person getting a new/empty house that does not require someone to leave), so that you can all arrange to move out at once. Again this utilises systems we already have in place, many councils in Britain manage similar lists today for example, except it operates under a new mandate that is practical to our needs when money is not the driving factor. We can also combine this to a maintenance service which comes round each house to fix things when needed, providing a lot of jobs for those handy men and women who can help in these areas.

In the end we need to start catering to people’s needs not what is the latest product a company wants to sell regardless of whether we need it or not, but because they can make a buck off it. I find myself recently really coming to loath the phrase ‘It’s nothing personal, it’s just business’, as if business is the only time it is acceptable to ruthlessly exploit the world and we should all consider it acceptable behaviour. It gives business the image that they should get everything they need and we should all say ‘oh it’s business so of course you can get away with anything you want’ as if the qualifier ‘business’ is some kind of get out of jail card. We have seen what corporations can do when they are exempt from the law. Take money out of the situation, return the power to the people and this kind of unethical modus operandi will run out of steam.

I could really go on forever listing different aspects of modern life and how it could be improved without the money crutch, but this post is already long enough. What is crucial though is that whatever systems we devise to move us away from money we have to pay attention to the new structure and how it could be exploited. We have to remember that there will be a certain group of society that would stand to lose a lot in the example system I proposed above and those so habituated to the greed that comes along with vast fortunes that they have to learn how to let that go whilst keeping things stable for the rest of us. We have to remember the pit falls of the past whilst we design the foundation of our future. We have to safe guard ourselves from what this new system might evolve into, so the money mentality doesn’t just morph into a different form, under a new disguise. It has to be a replacement that can handle the powers that would be created by centralising the commodities market and eliminating money. We have to make sure that we can’t get a divide in society where a small group can be significantly better off at the expense of the quality of life of the masses. We have to limit the divide in society, whilst proving incentive to gain education and experience to contribute to the world, taking into account all the foibles of human nature that might resist such a system.

In terms of stepping stones that could lead us from where we are now to something close to what I have mentioned in this model, might be abolishing interest rates all together. They add fuel to the fire, making an already bad situation worse. I could pay off my mortgage 3 times faster if I wasn’t paying for interest. In Denmark they have a policy that makes all interest payments tax deductible, so I get a third of it back in my wages by reducing how much tax they take out to start with. This is for any kind of loan and it really does make a difference. However this is only the first step in a long line that we need to take. We can’t be fooled by putting a band aid on a festering situation, essentially allowing banks to carry on as normal; we need to wipe the slate clean eventually to prepare the ground for a change that is long overdue.

Finally I just want to link to this video ‘Money as Debt‘ as it shows how interest rates on debt requires some people to become bankrupt in order for the whole monetary system to keep ticking, because there isn’t actually enough money in the system for everyone to pay off all their debt PLUS the interest. Surely this is not a stable model to be working with, but I have faith that we humans are smart enough to outgrow it and see beyond our cultural conditioning that has kept us hooked in today’s economic slavery and find something better and fairer for all.

For The Hole Inside Everyone

Niamh Brown

http://www.niamhbrown.com

Coping With Chaos

I recently had a bit of a realisation into one of my ingrained patterns that I learned as a child and felt the need to write about it. To give some background to understand what I discovered, first it’s necessary for me to skim over what happened to me when I was younger:

At age 9 I graduated from child into adulthood, not because I was ready but because life demanded it. This was the time when my parents split up and due to the perversity of the legal system in Britain at the time (1990) it was decided that my manic depressive father would make a more suitable parent than my now lesbian mother (hence the divorce). The fact I wanted to go with my mother was irrelevant it seems as they never asked me. I was ‘too young’ to make such a decision but not ‘too young’ to take over the role my mother had played now she was gone.

I was responsible for doing the dishes (by hand), sometimes cooking or making packed lunches, doing shopping at the local supermarket, cleaning out the pet cages (we had several budgies, a cockatiel, a rabbit and a guinea pig at the time), taking my younger sister to school and generally keeping the house clean. This was on top of my ever increasing homework load, the hobbies I had such as playing the guitar as well as generally trying to avoid the massive mood swings my father would go through, which would often lead, despite my best efforts, to being shouted at sometimes for hours on end. He would tell me over and over how what I am and do isn’t good enough to meet his high perfectionist standards that even he couldn’t keep. Not to mention that I was suffering from depression and a chronic medical condition that wasn’t diagnosed for another 15 years .

If my father spotted a mistake in anything I did he would have me start over from scratch, sometimes redoing a whole load of dishes when only a few had a little residue left from my first attempt, or keeping me up until 1 or 2 in the morning until I had done my homework to a standard that didn’t reflect badly on him. (My father had in the past taught at the secondary school I went to when I was 11, so I got the impression he felt my presence and progress at the school would be under scrutiny).

It was impossible to do everything he wanted to his standard and within this chaos I had to find ways to cope to keep myself going, as I had no-one to rely on, no-one who could share the burden with me. It wasn’t possible for me at this time to accept I couldn’t do it all, not in a conscious way, I just assumed this was just the way it was so I tried for a long time to be the ‘perfect angel’ (until I reached a point of inner rebellion at least). Looking back I can see what coping mechanisms naturally during this time to help me deal with all this.

Among them were some I have known about for some time, such as when I get shouted at or told off in anyway my mind tends to shut down, my husband calls it ‘going tharn’ where I basically go all wide eyed and can’t think of anything to say even if I have grounds to defend myself with. This allows me to take a mental break, to disassociate from the unbearable reality around me (being shouted at triggers the fight or flight in me) but this has led to in an inability to hold my ground in discussions and get what I need or want.

The other is not so much a coping mechanism but the result of living in this chaotic environment for so long. Because my fathers view was ‘law’, for a long time when I was younger I picked up the habit of always referring to his opinion as my own. If someone would ask me something new I wouldn’t know how to respond, as I would have to ask my Dad about it first (assuming it was a topic safe enough to bring up without it starting a row). Both of these traits led me to the point where it was almost impossible for me to make decisions on my own, as I wasn’t given the space to learn this skill naturally. This is something I have been working on for years now and it still affects me to this day.

So the other thing I picked up that I’ve just discovered was learning how to ‘jugggle’ my impossible work load to make it appear like I was able to do it all to keep my Dad off my back. It’s become clear to me that I have a semi-conscious system for handing all the things I have to do. I have a group of tasks that have to be done on a regular basis by a certain day. These would be juggled along with all the unexpected and one off tasks that come about for one reason or another. I threw all these tasks up in the air knowing full well I was going to drop the ball on most of them and when I had time and energy I would try to recycle through the things I dropped as they became a priority (ie when I got shouted at).

This brought about another habit: when someone brings up something that I’ve neglected that really needs doing (eg one of the balls I had to drop) I jump up immediately to try to fix it. This was the way I had to deal with the fact I had too much on my plate. I did what I could and put out fires as they cropped up. I also realised that I still employ this method to this day, keeping the old wound open in order to deal with a full time job, an exhausting travel schedule, learning a new language, looking after the house, writing, learning new computer skills in my spare time whilst dealing with chronic pain and fatigue. The mechanism was so successful that people often assume I can cope with anything, when actually underneath I often feel like I’m barely keeping it together and any moment the whole illusion will tumble down like a house of cards.

When all this sunk in I realised that I have to start by being honest with myself and to not ignore my pain. It maybe not much can be done staright away, but at least I’m not increasing the problem by ignoring it and stuffing it out of sight, as the effort to do this only increases with time. One of the things I had ‘dropped’ this year was making an appointment with a specialist doctor to try to deal with some of the more severe pain I have on my period.

The nerve pain is so bad I basically have to lie on my back with a pillow under my legs so they can stay bent without putting strain on my legs (if i lie flat it makes the pain around my stomach worse). I have to try and lie there, moving as little as possible, for anything between 6 and 16 hours. If I do move then the pain gets worse and sometimes I can get dizzy or even throw up. Then after the worst of it is over I have low level muscle pain for maybe 12 hours afterwards, along with severe fatigue that can last for days.

However one of the other things I have a tendency to do, related to money and self esteem issues which is a whole other story on it’s own, is dropping my needs and my health, putting them last in the list. I got my specialist referral back in December 2010, but until this week I had not made the appointment, knowing how difficult it is for me to fit them in around everything else without loosing money, time and energy.

When I had my mini revelation, I finally decided to put my health first for once; to stop grinning and bearing it alone. Having finally made the appointment I’m amazed at the relief it has brought, knowing it will be looked at after 17 years of dealing with the pain every month.

I look at all these words I’ve just written and I am amazed at how much emotional stuff can come out of dropping the ball again this week. I had a choice on Tueday between coming straight home and not doing a shop, or a long travel connection after a shop. I wanted to come straight home because my legs were exhausted. I had forgotten that we needed to buy milk and bread as my husband had been without any for the day. When I realised he was facing another day with basically nothing to eat or drink because I couldn’t find the energy to keep that ball up in the air, I went tharn, cried and then finally gave the pain words and let it all out to the man I love. A little nugget of pain surfaced and began to heal. A few days later, once I had more time to digest it (and I renewed my expired refferal) I finally called the doctor to get the help I need. All because I forgot the milk. Funny how life works out isn’t it.

Niamh Brown
http://www.niamhbrown.com

Moving From a Monoglot to a Polyglot Culture

Since I have moved to Denmark one of the cultural shifts that has snuck up on me is the fact that it is quite common for people to mix languages in everyday conversation as if nothing changed. It seems quite normal to hear or read communications in a combination of English, Swedish, Norwegian, Finnish or any the many other languages that are used in this cosmopolitan country.This Scandinavian polyglot nature has seeped into the culture, at least in my eyes as an outsider looking in.

I have been working in a Danish company for 2.5 years now and some of my Danish colleagues ask from time to time why I don’t speak more Danish in the office, since I can read well and write OK. Aside from the problems I have hearing Danish as I am deaf in my right ear and also have trouble understanding spoken Danish, as it is fast and often mumbled, the main issue is one of habit.

I come from a country where to speak a foreign language mid-way through a sentence and then jump back into our mother-tongue might be interpreted as pretentious or elitist in some circles. It’s silly when you think about it, as English is a mongrel language, made of stolen words from every language under the sun. We take them and call them English, we don’t think of it as another language; we assimilate words – resistance is futile!

So really it comes down to attitude. Here in Scandinavia language is embraced as it is needed. Danes are used to the fact that to communicate with the world English and German, among others, are valued skills considering Denmark’s location. In Britain we like to export our values abroad and demand it be more like Britain! (Except for the rain of course, but we will probably still find a way to moan about the weather somehow!)

So I’m the only person in my company who can say that I had only one working language before I came to Denmark. The other two people at work who are learning Danish speak English as a second language, as they came from the Baltics and Asia. So they had at least 2 languages before they came to Denmark. English allows you to be so lazy sometimes, but it is incredibly good at describing things in great detail.

So it is nice to be in a place where I can finally use another language for a change, as it was something I was always good at at school; I learned German for 5 years and Japanese for 2 years. Being able to apply it does make all the difference and in the time I have been here I can definitely see that I’ve improved and have begun to assimilate both the language and culture. For example: when I dream and see money, I see kroner now not pound notes.

So I will carry on muddling through, trying to get used to this cultural polyglot norm that challenges me in unexpected ways. However, I know once Ray has caught up with me we will start speaking more Danish at home and that can help. It’s only a matter of time now, I just have to patient :)

PS: Don’t you wish sometimes you could just plug your brain into something and just download it all like in the matrix heh!

http://www.niamhbrown.com

What a Little Kindness Will Do….

I had a funny incident this week. I’ve not been very well recently and often this inevitably leads to ordering out for food as I can’t stand up long enough to make a meal and still have an appetite by the time I’m done due to pain. We live out in the middle of nowhere and often people can’t find us and we get the wrong mail sent to our house etc.

On Monday night, which just let me preface is the only evening I get off without having to do anything before the weekend so its a good time for me to get some rest and get an early night, I was feeling partially beat so we ordered takeaway.

An hour goes by…then another 30 minutes.  By this time my phone has gone off about 4 times to remind me to take my pills. I have to take my medication at 7:30pm during the work week so I can fall asleep on time and so I’m not so groggy that I’m a zombie at work and I don’t wake up until I’m supposed to go to bed.  Therefore I always try to take them on time, hence the reminder, but by now I know there’s going to be no early night tonight.

We have ordered from this particular restaurant many times and since they have never been this late before we called them. Then the language barrier kicks in. Although I’m on module 2 in Danish I have a lot of trouble understanding spoken Danish, even words and phrases I already know, as the written and spoken Danish are almost two separate languages, plus I have hearing and memory problems.

The people at the restaurant have no English and try as I might I couldn’t understand a word they said. I strained to hear them and for the first time in my life someone spoke to me slower and louder in a foreign language in the hopes I would understand. (I’ve never felt so ignorant!) The only things I understood were the phrases ‘Do you understand?’ (Forstår du?) and ‘it’s a problem, not speaking Danish’ (det er et problem ikke at tale dansk) after I said I do not understand for the millionth time (Jeg forstår ikke). What made it worse is he had a thick middle eastern accent and I had the feeling that Danish wasn’t his first language either, so Danish was our lingua franca.

Then I heard something I did understand: ‘out of the house’ (ud af hus). As we are so hard to find sometimes we have been called to go outside and wave down the driver so they know where we are.  We say goodbye on the phone and I run outside without my coat in the night with the winter breeze (bad mistake!) standing watching as the odd car went by. Nothing…

Once my legs could bear it no more I came back inside. We call the website we ordered from which is a middle man for tons of restaurants in Denmark (http://www.just-eat.dk). They have live chat support and thankfully we got someone who did speak English. They called the restaurant then explained they had left the food outside, by our camping van…but we don’t have a camping van. So the middleman phones the restaurant back and they agree to send out a new order of food.

Now we have been told by some takeaway places that we are too far out the zone and been refused further orders. So trying not to get annoyed by the fact that someone’s carelessness had cost me a good nigh sleep I try to have compassion for the lad who will get an earful from his boss because he failed to do his job for a regular customer. I do this whilst at the same time a part of me wants to use this minor setback to get frustrated and indignant, when what it really reminded me of is just how full and tight my routine is; how much I pack into my day that such a small thing as a delayed dinner can throw off my whole week. I sit with that until I hear a car pull into my driveway, thinking it may be the last time they come.

Then I open the door. Not one, not two, but four delivery guys greet me with open arms and cheers! They all laugh, handing me a double order of food as they explain that a nearby street with a similar name also has a number the same as ours. We laugh and smile at each other and I realise, with irony, that I can understand what they are saying. I even join in a little.

As I closed the door and tell Ray what just happened we realise two things: they went to the house they had delivered to earlier and picked up the food they left on their doorstep and brought it with the new order. A small gesture of good will to make up for the inconvenience. And the other thing being that they brought all the delivery boys down to see exactly where we lived so they never got lost again.

From that moment on as we tucked into our meals and drank our soda, the mood couldn’t have been more different from the dreaded anticipation and frustration we had felt just moments ago. It amazing what a little kindness will do…

Niamh Brown

http://www.niamhbrown.com

Start the Year: Resolutions 2010

Hope you all had a great time last night, we had a great fireworks display all around us for a few hours. Something about fireworks always makes me feel like a little kid heh. This process of review has been more of a struggle for me this year as the last few days I’ve felt really drained and had a bit of the holiday blues which often happens to me when I have time off as my body and mind figure out it’s OK to crash. So I don’t intend this to be very long but I feel it would do me good (considering how I’m doing) to state my intentions for the year in a positive and healthy manner (instead of worrying how I’m going to make it through the year) So here are my resolutions for 2010:

Writing

I intend not to set hard and fast goals any more for writing as I feel mostly it becomes detrimental and demoralising as my energy and time fluctuates over the year. However I intend to keep to the writers group and to be able to bring fresh work each time, to connect with other writers and start the process of ‘networking’.

Now I’m working in OneNote I intend to work on things when they grab my interest, so this gives me the variety in my writing and keeps things fresh. I have a great number of books, stories and articles in progress and I think being able to be flexible with the topic of the week will help to keep up motivation. I intend to write a little each weekend like I used to do until a couple of years ago when I had a break (due to ill health). Even if it’s just a half hour it will all add up, but the regular routine is what I want to recapture, what I do with that time will depend on what story is mulling in my mind as I sit down to write.

I also want to up my reading more. I heard an interesting point today about how if your reading doesn’t match the content you get via other mediums like film and TV it can show in your writing. So I want to get a greater amount of off-the-screen reading time and use it as a relaxing treat.

Photography

I feel that the act of shooting will be much the same this year as it was in 2009. I’m not going to put much energy into getting new material as I have such a backlog already. This year what I want to do is focus on organising and processing the images I have and revamping my gallery and website online. However because the writing will always come first I’m happy to allow for the fact that this may take more than one year to do. What I need is to set up processes (much like my OneNote conversion in writing) that will make it easier so I don’t get backlogs again. Some of this may require new ways to store the data as it takes up a lot of hard disk space. So to find a system that encourages new work, instead of it being swamped in a backlog that never gets processed. I also want to learn to live the with shots I let get away and be happy with the ones I do get.

Health

This year I want to sort out all the support networks and help from my kommune and doctor so I don’t feel alone with my condition. I want to know my options and to learn to manage my condition better within the Danish system. I also want to find the ideal routine that allows me enough rest time in my daily and annual schedule so that when I do have holiday they are that holidays, and not moments where I let the pressure value loosen to let off only some of the building steam of pressure my body and mind is under.

I want to be able to listen to my body and find a way in my work and home to accommodate for my actual needs. I’m ready to stop over doing it for the greater good, I’m ready to give up the crash and burn model of doing things (the keep over doing it until I can’t do anything approach) My body and mind deserve to rest and be as healthy as they can be. I need to face and resolve that this year, instead of carrying on because I’m in the dark about what I can do and I’m afraid of change.

Work

For work I want to find the balance in my routine that allows me to safely do the Danish courses so that I can interact more at my company. I also want to learn to take proper breaks and if I’m at my computer when I take them to be able to relax and not feel I’m being judged because I’m not working in my break! I have this complex (from my workaholic perfectionist father) that I always feel I’m being watched and judged and not working hard enough. I need to let go of that enough that I can actually rest during the day, instead of feeling ‘on duty’ from the moment I get up until I’ve finished cooking dinner at night. I need to learn to mix work with rest, business with pleasure.

I also want to be proactive in the things I’m interested in promoting within my company with other like minded individuals in areas such as quality control and knowledge sharing, to be involved in my growth within the company. I want to show my employers just what I’m really capable of in these other areas of interest.

Personal

I would like during this year to work out a solution between our landlord and the banks that allows us to start the process of buying the house we are in.

I would like to be able to let go of the mental obstacles in my way that only do harm and have the wisdom to listen to the pain I’m feeling that requires change in order to heal, rather than ignore it because my routine is so demanding I feel that’s it’s necessary. I want to give my body, heart and mind all the space it needs to heal and grow and process what is necessary to move forward. I also want to let go of the identity of the ‘doer’ more, the one who has to do everything otherwise ‘chaos ensues’. Because on the flip side it means when I rest I get depressed as a part of my identity is no longer applicable. I want also to learn to be kind to myself and to give myself the things I need instead of denying myself out of a habitual childhood coping mechanism towards limited funds.

So that’s it. I may add the odd thing if I think of something relevant in the next day or two, but really if I got most of that I would be well on my way. Some of this will come to pass, some won’t, some dreams/goals may change or be dropped, whilst others become more real. Time will tell…

I offer these words for reflection…

http://www.niamhbrown.com http://www.niamhstudios.com

Close the Year – Review 2009

Today being the last day of 2009 it’s finally time for me to write my close of the year post, a new tradition I started only last time when I did my resolutions. It’s been a very long and demanding year, lots of change mostly for the better. This holiday I’m having right now is only my second one of the year and the last one was back in June. I’m really feeling it, which is probably why I’ve left this to the last minute (much like everything else this Christmas heh.) But still I feel the journey has been worth it and once I get through 2010 the major hurdles of emigration will be behind me.

So to demonstrate (at least to my self) exactly what I did this year there is a break down in different categories  with two themes of reflection: accomplishments/memorable experiences and things to let go of/don’t want in my life.

So here is my offering, my Review for 2009:

Writing

In a way I had a bit of an unexpected breakthrough with my writing this year. I took the year off my books but towards the end, the last few months, I rekindled my love for the story and found a better way to collect my thoughts and work. I swapped from using Word to OneNote, an experience I hope to write about soon in a separate work and this had made such a difference in being able to compile so much of my work. I have boxes and folders full of notes that I never get round to reading, this way I keep it electronic and I can write on any book, any time line when I please now, it makes it a much more web like compilation than a linear process, something that seems to have revived my interest in the sci-fi series.

Not only this though but I started writing short stories, I only completed one, though I have several in various states of completion, but I did send the story off to publishers and got my very first rejection slips. This was huge for me. I had spent so long thinking I would never do that, open myself up for rejection. I was determined to just write my books. Having taken this new approach with the shorts I finally allowed myself to find the space to be OK with being rejected and going through the submission process. Having come to this point now, in a way, it has allowed me to regain my idea of just writing my books for me so it’s fun again and doing the shorter pieces for commercial consideration. This way I get the best of both worlds and I’m in no rush as I have my entire lifetime to write.

I’m also starting at a writers group in the city with a writer friend of my mine. I’m going to be sharing with them the beginning of my first sc-fi book in the series, as after nearly ten years of working at it I finally think I’ve got a workable enough beginning that I’m willing to share it with others. I can’t count how many versions I’ve written over the years so somehow for me that is the biggest achievement of all.

I’ve also had a couple of articles at Helium go No.1 (including my Battle Star Galactica review out of 33 competitive articles)

Photography

For the past year I took a break also from the photography. I haven’t been out in the field but I have take some occasional photographs from my house in the country. It is very beautiful here. I have found though due to high levels of fatigue this year that the process of not being able to get out and snap as much as I like has been disappointing. Whenever I see something beautiful or unusual I would feel the urge to get it down but I could never keep up with this. So this year has been in a lot of ways a practise in learning to bear the overwhelming need to record everything.

Denmark

This has been my first full year in Denmark (and with my current employer). I feel much more settled now, the only big issue being the language barrier. I managed to complete module 1.1 with a pass rate of 88% but I’ve struggled to fit in my Danish lessons around work, travel, fatigue and my demanding sleep schedule so it’s been very difficult to keep up. I absolutely want to understand and be fluent in this language but this process has, more than any other sign, shown me that I have too much on my plate. I know it will get better when I have paid holiday again from May 2010 onwards but I also know I’ve pushed myself harder this year physically than any since my last year in University when I was doing 20 hour days sometimes. So one of my achievements this year was not losing it completely, making it to the holiday in Christmas when I thought I couldn’t. (I have to be in the Danish system for one financial year before I get paid holiday again) In a way this year has allowed me to see just how strong my will power can be over my body when I’m correctly motivated (by for example a great employer/job), but also reminded me of the danger of shutting out the body.

Health

Which brings me to my health.  I know I’ve pushed myself this year and that I may still pay for that in the year or so to come but one thing that has been better for sure has been my depression. I won’t say that it is gone because it’s not but I’ve not dwelt in it like I used to. It’s led me to see just how the work environment has impacted my mental health over the years. For the first time I’ve been in a company that I have considered staying with for the rest of my working days. The job I do has removed the over demanding elements that my old jobs had and moved me into the test/debug part of the life cycle instead of hardcore development. So it’s far less stressful.

The only really stressful part of my job is the physical act of getting back and forth to the office and working within a sleep/energy cycle that doesn’t suit me (as I’m a owl, on my own devices I don’t get up until after midday and stay up all night). A lot of my hobbies suffered this year because between work, the house, Danish classes and travel I barely had any energy or motivation to work on my books or any other project I have going.

I have though in this year managed to get a few health issues sorted. I’ve got an appointment in January to have some insoles made to support my feet as I have collapsed arches and this likely contributes to the ankle pain and mobility issues I have, so I’m hoping this will make a big difference in my ability to get around next year. Also I have a free membership to a chain of gyms in Denmark from work and one of them has a pool that I’ve started using once a week. I know given some time this will help my muscle endurance in my legs so I can stand for longer without pain and fatigue.

I’ve also been doing a lot of inner work with my emotions and noticing what has been cropping up and I’ve discovered (among other things) that I still have a latent motivation to harm myself, to wish myself ill. I’ve noticed how I cling to my ill health as a way of feeling ‘off duty’ because when I was a child and looking after my father and sister from age 9 up the only time I wasn’t ‘on call’ was when I was sick. This revelation has been a huge drop of the penny and I’ve started doing metta (loving kindness) practise towards myself to counteract this urge to want to be ill and in pain as a means of self punishment over feelings of low self worth, as well as an associated desire to feel free from the obligations that tire me.

Social/Work

One of the most important times I had at work was very recently and at the first work JuleFrokost (Christmas Dinner) I attended. I actually found I was able to open up a lot of people and get them talking about things they had obviously been sitting on for some time. It’s hard to describe it but it felt like a very powerful merging of ideas and comfort to one another. It was very moving and I did actually cry at one point. It felt like with some I had managed to get through a big barrier that had been unconsciously between us ever since we met (since we didn’t know each other). It reminded me this is something I am good at and something I can give to others for the benefit of all.

As I have said before, my work and my attitude to the IT industry really did evolve this year (and it was one of my resolutions last year to come to peace with the industry, mainly due to a desire to pursue the writing field more). I know now that IT is my best way to earn and keep the roof over our heads (and this has taken the pressure off the writing and made it fun again) but having found a better niche within the development life cycle for my temperament, and a supportive employer, it is much more bearable now as my main line of work.

In terms of my achievements at work I know I performed well, made them over a million kroner and have had a lot of praise from the powers above. I know the only thing for them has also been the lack of Danish language which is where I’ve felt some pressure to get the routine right so I can do it. I know part of the over doing it has been a drive to make sure I have job security in this economic downturn, as I do need this job, but I feel having been through my contract review that I’m on the right track and that I have places I can potentially grow into in the future. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that with an employer.

Other

I’ve finally got things set up a bit better for my guitars as the keyboard is now set up in the studio so I can do tunings much easier so it’s not a barrier for playing when I feel like it.

I’ve also got back in touch with some members of my family that I hadn’t spoken to in years and it’s slowly moving forward. I actually sent 4 Christmas cards this year, which may not sound like a lot, but for anyone who knows me I struggle to keep in contact with people long distance so that was a big step for me this year.

And lastly, I’ve revamped my Niamh Brown Central site including the reopening of my CafePress store: Becoming Miss Brown relaunching the ‘Insane World’ product line (holiday sale now on!)

So that’s about it for the close of the year review. I’m sure there were other things that I’ve overlooked but this is what has stood out for me as I think back over the year as I write it. I’ll be back tomorrow with my resolutions for 2010 and a look ahead of what’s in store.

Have a great night tonight world and let the New Year bring us the change we need to all move forward together. Godt Nyt Aar!

I offer these words for reflection…

http://www.niamhbrown.com http://www.niamhstudios.com

Protected: Facing The Music

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Ageism Works Both Ways

I had an incident the other way I want to share with you because it got me thinking about a lot of things. Yesterday for the first time since February this year I went into the city without my cane. It has become such a usual part of my outwardly apparatus it hadn’t occurred to me until before now to not use it so much in the breaks of good weather. However I hurt my wrist some at the beginning of the week and decided for one day I would leave the house without it.

Later on in the day I made last minute arrangements to meet my other half in town and go catch something to eat. We rarely get a chance to do it so I agreed not realising it would entail that much more walking without my cane. My legs were a bit wobbly so I went to catch an elevator and I happen to be travelling with a friend from work in the same direction.

The elevator was almost full but there was enough room for us to both get on if we all ‘hunched up a bit’. I really didn’t want to have to stand for five minute until the next one came, that was worse than walking for 5 minutes.  A lady with a bike behind us, that had no hope of getting in the elevator, looked at the pram, the elderly and then us two younger looking people and loudly asked  ‘Do you to have a problem with walking?’ in a pushy manner. Even if we vacated they was no room for her.

When I turned around and emphatically said yes there was almost an begrudging and disbelieving tone about her. It may have of course been my paranoia, but regardless this brought something up in me. My cane is an indication to the outer world that I’m fragile and I’m a priority. I’m 30 so the second my cane isn’t beside me I look young and healthy and should ‘get back in line’.

I realise now that there is another reason I keep my cane with me, besides the fact it is a real help for my legs when moving out in the world. It signals to others my status, that I’m disabled, so they can act accordingly. Why should there have to be a requirement for me to outwardly fit a certain picture of disability in order to be considered humanely?

As it just so happened just before I had witnessed two elderly ladies with crutches on a bus being ignored by the driver even after pressing the buttons and yelling for him to stop. I know that when you take a bus when your mobility restricted you get off where it entails the least walking. Two extra stops may not seem a lot to some considering they were on the same main street, but I know it would be difficult. That’s why I’m taking the bus to avoid that strain! Poor Ladies. I hope they took the bus right back! (At least in Denmark you can do that in the city)

I offer these words for reflection…

http://www.niamhbrown.com http://www.niamhstudios.com

Why Fatigue is an Isolating Force

I’ve just had my first week’s vacation all year. As you’ll know if you follow Niamh News, with Fibromyalgia and ME I’m supposed to pace myself, but with the Danish holiday system I don’t get my pay until (over) a year working in the Danish system (except for one week which I’m taking now). It’s been nice to take things easier than normal (although I’ve been out of the house 3 times already with 3 days to go), sleep if not always longer then in a routine that fits me better, but I’ve had a bit of a hard time of it emotionally.

We got a court summons for a bill we haven’t been able to pay yet. Ray still has no jobs prospects here, and fewer now he stripped of knowing the native language well (he is a very articulate man). I’ve only had so much to spare from paying the bills with my wage to pay of the debts we accrued when we had no income for two months, after we’d just moved over. This was the last of them but we had not received any notice things had gone this far. It took until thursday until we had done everything we could right now. It was like a black cloud over the holiday. Yet I was able to manage it better internally because I was on break. I would have flipped had I been at work as the stress of the normal daily routine would have taken me over the edge.

So in some ways it was good it happened when it did, but I’m here on Friday now exhausted, didn’t do half of the things I wanted to do for myself like go swimming or get the house in a cleaner state. I did think about doing some Danish homework whilst it was fresh in my mind ( I just finished one module) and maybe catching up with a few friends.

But as always when I get a chance to rest it like the physical equivalent of someone who bottles up all their emotions and it finally bursts out of them, it’s a purging process but this time with my body not my mind. Everything becomes harder to do, I’m so tired that sitting here typing this is an effort. I know in three days I have to pull it back together for work, but I feel I could take the rest of this month off and still not be fully recovered from this year so far. It’s like a starving person who finally get a limitless supply of food again, they gorge. That’s what my body is doing now, gorging on resting and sleeping.

I know part of this is why I’m so terrible at keeping in contact with friends and family (when we were on speaking terms). The drill of daily life is so demanding that my body has to delay it’s recovery, the same way a person who is in a dangerous situation will delay the fear and grief until the episode is over. Then it hits you bam out of no where. This is what its like for me. So I’m too busy when I’m working and when I’m on holiday I just have enough energy for the basic things you can’t get away from, like dressing and eating and even these things take effort.

So what gets done is what facing me right now, everything else is in the background and just doesn’t get a look in. It’s only when your confronted with someone who is disappointed in your lack of communication that you snap out of it and guilt is a loud enough emotion for you to extend the effort to do something. (Which is why I still send my Nan a card)

It’s never being about a lack of caring on my part, but I kno it can appear that way to some. I accept that people gel or the don’t and that relationships rarely last for long periods and if they do you have to contend with change and this can bring you closer together or further apart. There is no knowing which way it will be until it is.

Because of this I’m never much of a card person. I could go on about how much effort that is, but it not really the issue. The issue is that when I love or trust someone I just feel it. I don’t need to be reminded or pushed into an action that is not the way I operate. Keeping all the commercial factors aside, I believe a real friendship is one where you can not see or talk to a person for 20 years, bump into them one day and catch up as if you saw each other yesterday. I’ve even been lucky enough for this to happen from time to time.

It is however become clear to me just how isolating chronic fatigue can be, and how much a factor this has been in my attitude to this. It’s very hard to explain just how tiring standing up can be for just a few minutes to someone who runs every morning. As a result I have very little social life. I don’t have a lot of spare money so I can’t afford to go out even if I could fit it into my routine.

Plus I know any night I stay out late is likely to be one I don’t sleep too well, as it disrupts my sleep pattern and gets my brain wired far later at night than normal, which requires me an hour or two to wind down from. Which in turn puts my whole week out of whack. My CNS is like an elastic band wrapped too tightly that needs to slowly relax enough that it’s at rest. That just a fragment of what a hyper-sensitive nervous system does to your night life. In some way its a nice excuse that I have travel issues because that far easier to explain when someone from work asks if your coming to a party or not.

So I guess I’ve learned how to be a social hermit in order to take care of my body and mind, but that doesn’t take care of the heart. Unless you learn not to get social gratification from social norms. My Nana lives for her Christmas card list. It hurts her when she doesn’t receive a card from someone. I choose not to go down that path of making it about the card and not the person, which then explains the lack of cards, or texts or MSN’s you’ll get from me. Your either in my life or your not at any given moment, but that doesn’t limit the feeling behind the times we do have and may have again one day. Compared with that, cards just don’t cut it and so therefore go into the background: To the fog-o-war of fatigue.

I offer these words for reflection…

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.