Why Fatigue is an Isolating Force

I’ve just had my first week’s vacation all year. As you’ll know if you follow Niamh News, with Fibromyalgia and ME I’m supposed to pace myself, but with the Danish holiday system I don’t get my pay until (over) a year working in the Danish system (except for one week which I’m taking now). It’s been nice to take things easier than normal (although I’ve been out of the house 3 times already with 3 days to go), sleep if not always longer then in a routine that fits me better, but I’ve had a bit of a hard time of it emotionally.

We got a court summons for a bill we haven’t been able to pay yet. Ray still has no jobs prospects here, and fewer now he stripped of knowing the native language well (he is a very articulate man). I’ve only had so much to spare from paying the bills with my wage to pay of the debts we accrued when we had no income for two months, after we’d just moved over. This was the last of them but we had not received any notice things had gone this far. It took until thursday until we had done everything we could right now. It was like a black cloud over the holiday. Yet I was able to manage it better internally because I was on break. I would have flipped had I been at work as the stress of the normal daily routine would have taken me over the edge.

So in some ways it was good it happened when it did, but I’m here on Friday now exhausted, didn’t do half of the things I wanted to do for myself like go swimming or get the house in a cleaner state. I did think about doing some Danish homework whilst it was fresh in my mind ( I just finished one module) and maybe catching up with a few friends.

But as always when I get a chance to rest it like the physical equivalent of someone who bottles up all their emotions and it finally bursts out of them, it’s a purging process but this time with my body not my mind. Everything becomes harder to do, I’m so tired that sitting here typing this is an effort. I know in three days I have to pull it back together for work, but I feel I could take the rest of this month off and still not be fully recovered from this year so far. It’s like a starving person who finally get a limitless supply of food again, they gorge. That’s what my body is doing now, gorging on resting and sleeping.

I know part of this is why I’m so terrible at keeping in contact with friends and family (when we were on speaking terms). The drill of daily life is so demanding that my body has to delay it’s recovery, the same way a person who is in a dangerous situation will delay the fear and grief until the episode is over. Then it hits you bam out of no where. This is what its like for me. So I’m too busy when I’m working and when I’m on holiday I just have enough energy for the basic things you can’t get away from, like dressing and eating and even these things take effort.

So what gets done is what facing me right now, everything else is in the background and just doesn’t get a look in. It’s only when your confronted with someone who is disappointed in your lack of communication that you snap out of it and guilt is a loud enough emotion for you to extend the effort to do something. (Which is why I still send my Nan a card)

It’s never being about a lack of caring on my part, but I kno it can appear that way to some. I accept that people gel or the don’t and that relationships rarely last for long periods and if they do you have to contend with change and this can bring you closer together or further apart. There is no knowing which way it will be until it is.

Because of this I’m never much of a card person. I could go on about how much effort that is, but it not really the issue. The issue is that when I love or trust someone I just feel it. I don’t need to be reminded or pushed into an action that is not the way I operate. Keeping all the commercial factors aside, I believe a real friendship is one where you can not see or talk to a person for 20 years, bump into them one day and catch up as if you saw each other yesterday. I’ve even been lucky enough for this to happen from time to time.

It is however become clear to me just how isolating chronic fatigue can be, and how much a factor this has been in my attitude to this. It’s very hard to explain just how tiring standing up can be for just a few minutes to someone who runs every morning. As a result I have very little social life. I don’t have a lot of spare money so I can’t afford to go out even if I could fit it into my routine.

Plus I know any night I stay out late is likely to be one I don’t sleep too well, as it disrupts my sleep pattern and gets my brain wired far later at night than normal, which requires me an hour or two to wind down from. Which in turn puts my whole week out of whack. My CNS is like an elastic band wrapped too tightly that needs to slowly relax enough that it’s at rest. That just a fragment of what a hyper-sensitive nervous system does to your night life. In some way its a nice excuse that I have travel issues because that far easier to explain when someone from work asks if your coming to a party or not.

So I guess I’ve learned how to be a social hermit in order to take care of my body and mind, but that doesn’t take care of the heart. Unless you learn not to get social gratification from social norms. My Nana lives for her Christmas card list. It hurts her when she doesn’t receive a card from someone. I choose not to go down that path of making it about the card and not the person, which then explains the lack of cards, or texts or MSN’s you’ll get from me. Your either in my life or your not at any given moment, but that doesn’t limit the feeling behind the times we do have and may have again one day. Compared with that, cards just don’t cut it and so therefore go into the background: To the fog-o-war of fatigue.

I offer these words for reflection…

Swimming Against The Current

As a casual studier of Buddhist philosophy one of the many themes that comes out of that is the idea of learning to stay present and not get lost in a string of past memories or future concerns. I don’t think until recently I can say I had experienced why this was taught so fervently.

I wrote at the beginning of the year in the post Start the Year: Resolutions 2009 that one of my goals was to learn to come to peace with my career in the IT industry, after a struggle almost as long as I’ve been in it. This struggle came out of a large part of me that wanted to leave and pursue writing and/or photography professionally, but couldn’t afford to.

One year into my Computer Science degree I started writing my science fiction books. Looking back on that work it was very rudimentary, but I knew then just how good writing made me feel, where as my honeymoon period with programming was coming to an end and I was finding it frustrating and draining.

However I kept going with my degree as I knew I wouldn’t get another shot at University (my health up to that point had put me in hospital three times and the fact I was taking a course of this magnitude was well beyond anyones expectations of me). I originally went into this field because I naively thought that I could earn enough to work part time to help my health, but even after ten years this still hasn’t happened.

Soon after I graduated and after I started out in the real world of work, I found I was getting sucked into this specialised field and the worst part was I was good at it. I think it would be easier to quit if I wasn’t, but it was the best way to keep a roof over my head. This pattern magnified with every year that went by and every line on my CV. Until now where financially there is no way we could afford for me to start from scratch again.

For along time this made me feel trapped and depressed, neither attitude did wonders for my health. Coming in and associating your work place with these feeing just magnified my frustration everyday. This eventually made me so fatigued that even writing became a struggle. I felt like I had no energy for anything else after work had taken it’s toll.

I found the only way to cope was to hang onto fantasies that something would happen to take me out of the rat race, that a ton of money or investment would land in my lap and I could stay at home and wouldn’t have to work at anything unless I chose to. I kept  imagining a course of events that would excuse me from these daily demands. These daydreams became so real that when they didn’t happen I felt almost suicidal. It was as if I expected a guardian angel to pop into existence and save me from this hell.

So when I made my pledge this year to find peace with my line of work, I was telling myself I had to let go of the fantasy and deal with the present. At first I fell into the same old traps every time I was in pain and hadn’t slept, or was anxious about what I had to do that day. But as I came out of my first winter here in Denmark and I finished my trial period at my new job, I felt like something had finally lifted. I stopped swimming against the current and started dealing with what was right in front of me and nothing else.

If I look at where I am now it’s no so bad: I’m still writing, sure not as much as I would like, but in a way it takes the pressure of it. (See the post: The Need for Something Needless) I know if I was doing it freelance then there would be the stress of finding work and marketing myself. My quality of life in Denmark has improved in so many little ways that I’m in a much better position to look after myself and enjoy life more.

I look around me and I see a beautiful house in the middle of nowhere, my relationship with my partner has gone through a renewal and is stronger than ever. We have a cat that fits in our little family as if we had known her our whole life. I have a workplace that is supportive and will allow me to grow in new directions. Even the move to Denmark was smooth and everything we needed came exactly when we needed it, as if it was destined to be.

Just a few months before I was able to blank out all this wonderful good luck and dwell in darkness of my mind detached from the present. Depression can turn gold into dust, light into darkness. The transition away from this mindset did not happen overnight. I started just watching the world go by on the bus, instead of letting my mind wander. I now do ten minutes of meditation each morning, where I just allow myself to let go of all the roles I’m expected to play and just be here now. In fact I do the same thing when I lay down to go to sleep, knowing I’ve done all I need to do for the day and I can let it all go. Now when I wake up I don’t start the day with that “oh no it’s morning now I’ve got to go to work” feeling that would hang in my stomach like lead. I feel lighter, happier and more content. There is less on my mind.

There was no one method that got me here, but I know without making that resolution I may not have started the process, even if most of it was sub-conscious. All I know is I feel like I’ve turned a big corner and that no matter what might be round the next one I don’t have to deal with it until its before me. It takes far less effort to just ride the current, no matter where it takes me, as I know that’s where I’m supposed to go. If I struggle against it I have no energy to face what I must, so I can grow into the person I am to become.

I offer these words for reflection…

Just Enough Pain

As you may know things have been rather quiet for me lately. I’ve been low, in pain and fatigued. Just like a bus that comes in threes, so are my symptoms it seems. As ever, I learn something every time I fall into this cycle. This time I learned that having no pain is just as bad than having too much.

As with a lot of things, balance is everything. I’m starting to see how the Buddha’s wisdom of the middle way applies to so much more than I’ve been led to imagine.  Let me offer what happened to me me the last two weeks as an example:

When my ankles kicked off and I had to use the stick indoors for the first time in a while I was in a fair bit of pain as well as the muscle weakness. I had just managed to see my doctor for the first time so I finally had a prescription for my strong medication (well the Danish equivalent anyway). I had used the last of my English meds a couple of weeks beforehand and I knew just how strong they where, because they were basically out of my system and I knew I had to take them 14 hours before I was due to get up otherwise I would be groggy all day and my mind would wake up late.

I have a choice each night. I can risk it and hope I don’t develop any more pain or set my mind off by over stimulating another way. Music, poker, TV, a writing idea,big fix, or any stray random thought can set my mind off on a second wind, usually requireing 4-6 hours to wind down. If it starts late at night this can mean I’m not back in bed until 4am (like last night as a matter of fact).

So when I work I can hope that doesn’t happen and therefore don’t have to call in sick the next day (having to make the call often just after I’ve finally gotten to sleep) or I can take a pill just after dinner and know both my pain will go and that once I settle down for the night I will pretty much stay asleep until the alarm goes off.

As you can probably guess after last week, which was very difficult, I took the pills; 5 nights in a row in fact. Well Although I was groggy for most of this week and still a little low, the pain was gone and I was catching up on my sleep. This, in combination with adding another bus onto my route to work to reduce the walking, was helping to reduce the ankle issue and the hyper-sensitivity.

I’ve since calculated that the number of days in a row taking the pills is the number of days it takes to ware off. Yesterday it hit me. I was feeling better as I wasn’t so cloudy in my head or lethargic, then out of nowhere my sciatic nerve flared up around my right hip and thigh. Being in pain again (but this time without muscle fatigue) showed me for the first time that week I was over doing it.

I had stopped using the cane inside because I didn’t feel the pain, but I was obviously still over doing it as I spent a good 2 hours in pain. This is when I realised that for me to properly manage the fibromyalgia, I have to be able to feel just enough to know where the line is, but not enough that it makes everything else impossible.

With a week of feeling low but not in pain, when the pain returned I also noticed how the looping of thoughts in my mind that I couldn’t get to shut up all week, was being distracted by the pain. The pain was actually taking my mind of the depression, like how I use work to distract myself from the pain. I found another loop in the vicious cycle.

Since then I’ve had a similar twinge in my foot and my wrist. However after just an hour, even without the weak pain meds, they went because I listened to my body and stopped doing what was triggering the twinge. I could feel the warning signs before they started shouting at me. I needed just enough pain to find the middle way.

I offer thee words for reflection…

Guess Who’s Back? (Hint – it begins with F)

Well I’ve had my first Fibro attack in my new job. It’s been so long since I’ve hurt myself badly that I’ve almost forgotten how overwhelming emotionally it is to go suddenly from productive and fairly content one day and to constant pain, sleeplessness, fatigue and mental distress the next.

It was really strange observing my brain function shut down (part of Fibro), it took me three attempts to make ice tea, something I do once a day and have the routine down. Before the flare up my partner had noticed I was having trouble coordinating the cooking so that everything was timed so it completed together. It’s things like this that are easy to forget about the most when the brain can cope when things are dormant.

This is where the stress of my job comes in. I made a small mistake in a database this week, my first cock up. It took me half a day to try and restore it using computer fixes. When in the end none of the ‘fixes’ worked I coped and pasted the data back in manually it took a 3rd of the time. (As is the way of computers) I was unable to maintain my mood, getting frustrated by the tiniest thing. This combined with a bad pain day reminded me why controlling the physical fatigue really does help my mental state, as my threshold for frustration is far lower otherwise.

I’ve been watching House for the first time and I’ve just started season three. For those who don’t watch it I’m going to spoil a little here so look away to the next paragraph if you don’t want to know. Watching House go from pain free and enjoying life to being slowly taken over by the pain once more (in the same leg I have) it is so close to what I go through it doesn’t even fit as a metaphor.

I do however have some hope. I worked from home for the first time this week in my whole life and I maybe getting assistance with travel from work. I told them about the issues and they came back with a change in contract, I have go over with them in details, but it seems they are going to try and reduce the strain so I can function better and keep the Fibro dormant.

It’s amazing to be in a company that actually gives a crap about you. I fought for three years to try and get that in Britain only to be turned down because they need 5-10 years to write a policy on anything worthwhile (especially if it means they have to pay for something). One month on the job here and all I have to do is text or call my PM and use my laptop from home. I raised an issue and they responded that week. They have it together here in Denmark, they really do.

It’s amazing how scared I was at opening up this soon into my position on my temporary contract. I was terrified of being dumped and then unable to make the bills once more. We were nearly homeless in December if it weren’t for this lifeline who know what would have happened. Not only did they come at the right time, but they are the right company for me. I don’t know how representative they are of Danish workplaces in general, but I do know I’ve landed on my feet here and I’m confident it will work out. The gamble to go all in and make the move paid off. Phew! Now I’ve just got to do it…

I offer these words for reflection…

The Need for Something Needless

I’m a recovering workaholic and perfectionist. I’m used to filling my time with all sorts of tasks that ‘only I can get done’. Recently I’ve started extending that to the potential of an activity to grow into a really productive project and therefore ‘not a waste of time’.

Having started a new job and constructed a new routine I realised that everything I put into my schedule was about keeping a roof over my head, organising the house, developing my hobbies into a new career, constantly growing and becoming a ‘better person’.

As I mentioned in my news blog I had my 3rd week slump in my job where the fatigue sets in, this wasn’t news to me as it has happened many times before, but what was is how I dealt with it. What I did was to find something needless, something I could do that would take my mind off my ‘to do list’ and just do something for the fun of it. I often saw this kind of activity as a distraction from my worries, as a way to reject or ignore them, but I realised there was a difference in my intention this time, this was about finding a balance.

I first realised this when I picked up the guitar to just pay a few tunes because I felt like it. At some point my partner said I was playing the song too slow and this triggered that perfectionist in me, but instead of playing it the ‘right’ way I just stopped and played something only I knew, not to avoid criticism and hide, but because I wanted a space where I didn’t have to be perfect. I wanted to play not perform.

I needed something needless. I’m not playing the guitar so that one day I can get in a band, go on X-Factor and who knows where that might lead, oh no. I’m playing because when its me, in a room, on my own, with a guitar, I get a release. It has nothing to do with other people or where it might lead, it’s to do with how it makes me feel. Not everything I do has to lead somewhere or even be good.

After I realised this I started playing poker again, but this time just played the free tables. This worked even better than I imagined. Sure I began thinking perhaps I’d play for small stake just for fun, but the truth is that unless it was for fun I know it wouldn’t work. I know that there is no chance I’d be a pro-poker player, not because I don’t have the potential for developing the skill (if anything this last year has shown me is I do have that) but rather because I don’t know if I would want to risk one of my few safely valves in my life.

Something needless allows me to be here now and enjoy myself instead of delaying gratification for what could be in the future, as I have spent most of my life. Most importantly I need it so that I can let go of the idea of constantly being perfect, as my working life often demands, giving me something that demands nothing where I can finally be off duty and let my brain rest. Writing used to do this for me but now it is growing into my second career. I try not to think of it as work but it does require a lot of energy and I can easily over do it without realising it if I don’t keep this in mind.

As Bertrand Russell so eloquently put it “Wasting time is not time wasted”. So if you wind yourself up, trying to do everything and to do everything right, find something needless like I did. Something you can enjoy no mater if your good at it or not, even if you have to be alone to do it. Something that provides you with that inner balance so you can face your daily demands with an peaceful heart and not with a worn mind.

I offer these words for reflection…

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Start the Year – Resolutions 2009

I hope everyone had a good time last night. Here in Denmark we were surrounded by fireworks in all directions until about 1am, it was crazy (and they have just started up again as I write). I spent the time eating chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and chilling out with my hon/cat in my dream house.

It was satisfying doing my review last night, it really made feel I had direction and it was good to see just how much I did over the year. Knowing what I can do in that amount of time made it all the more important when deciding my goals for next year.

Some of the groupings below have changed from last year and are more condensed, but I imagine this will change year on year depending on what’s important to me at that moment. So without further ado (and this won’t be as long as last night’s whopper, it took me several hours to put that thing together!) may I present my resolutions for 2009:

Writing

First goal of the year goes to my new novel idea. It is part autobiographical, part personal development. I don’t like going into detail but I feel it’s really important to write this now. I’ve found that with reading and even research that I need to go where I’m excited and passionate about. This passion may change as I grow and learn different lessons but it’s the focus I have so it will be given top priority for the year. I intend to complete it this year, to have a contract for publication and possibly even my first book advance. (Aim for the moon so you fall amongst the stars!)

The next writing goal will be connected to my Sci-Fi series so it doesn’t completely go out the window for this year but is open for other areas of interest too, replacing the time I spent in Helium and other places. I intend to write short stories of a few thousand words in the world of my series, to give more background to the piece and to get interest in the characters and situation they are in. These shorter works will provide me with a counterbalance to the long pieces so I feel I have smaller goals and achievements, which help support the larger works when they are done. So the aim of these shorts is to get into print in markets whose audience might buy my novels later on.

I also want to meet the right people I need to develop my work and give it the right route to market; be it an agent, publicist or any other type of contact/network necessary to make me a professional writer, in print and making money quickly.

The final aim is to revamp my writing site. I want to update it to reflect my current streamlined focus and to make it up to date with my latest move and activities.

Photography

I have no firm aims for concrete achievement this year but I do want to develop some habits that will help me later on when I return my focus to my photography website in 2010. I want to get in the habit of having my camera on me or easily accessible so I can take more picture of ‘everyday magic’ to boost my collection launch next year.

I also want to have a healthier attitude towards this art. I want to let go of the shots I missed and enjoy beautiful moments without regretting the lack of photograph to capture it.

Health

I want to learn to manage my pain more with my mind than rely on medications so heavily, like the last two years. I would like to stay off all long term drugs if possible and keep them for emergencies only.

I also want to keep up my stretching, swimming and meditation exercises every week, no matter what my schedule is. I also want to explore more the ideas between food and my stomach to help with my sleep and digestive issues.

IT

I want to make peace with this industry as over the years in my thoughts, speech and writing I’ve knocked it a lot by framing it as the evil obstacle in the way of my dreams (when in fact it was me). I intend to use the time at my new company to do this as well as show myself I can do this job well and collaborate in a cohesive team, without clinging to this habitual negative attitude.

I also want to use it as an opportunity to learn how Denmark views the work place and to learn skills that would help me be an IT consultant, such that when my writing pays enough and I can leave programming behind, I can still use my IT skills as a consultant in the background to boost my income when needed.

Personal

I want to move from a mindset where I’m just making enough to barely get by, to making enough money and creating enough abundance that I can invest in my dreams and give more back into the world. I also would like to stop being the sole bread winner, the one who does it all and learn to delegate and share the burdens of life with others.

It terms of the house I would like to be fully unpacked by the end of the year and have all the things we need around the house (a car, perhaps a scooter, washing machine, filing cabnet, freezer, pasta machine, food mixer etc) I want each room to have a clear purpose instead of three storage rooms and one big room we live in 99% of the time. One idea being a quiet room to read, reflect, dictate and write.

I also want to keep on top of the house with the ‘little and often’ policy so I don’t spend my weekends blitzing the house.

—

So that’s it. I may add the odd thing if I think of something relevant in the next day or two, but really if I got most of that I would be well on my way. Some of this will come to pass, some won’t, some dreams/goals may change or be dropped, whilst others become more real. I hope by showing you this process and over the years to come by looking back, this might be an experiment with time, to see just how effective this method is for setting sail in the direction of my dreams. I hope it works for you as well as it has for me over the last year and who knows what’s to come next. I can’t wait to find out!

I offer these words for reflection…

Close the Year – Review 2008

I have a newsletter with an NLP website called saladltd.co.uk and they gave some advice about ‘Closing the Year’ which I’ve incorporated into my annual review process. Last Year I did a resolutions list and I thought from now on it would be good to review that (starting today), see what I achieved and what I need to let go of before tomorrows look ahead for the future with my resolutions list for 2009. (There is some obvious overlap)

So below is a break down of the different categories I did last year with two themes of reflection: accomplishments/memorable experiences and things to let go of/don’t want in my life. Although you may see in the next paragraph that I intend to reduce the amount of time I spend here, there will be odd times when this is an appropriate place to put things I have written, or for me to visualise or analyse my life in order to better define my direction. But I only have so much time, energy and potential I can fulfil at any one time and it’s time for me to stop spreading myself so thin I get nothing done.

The resolution process last year certainly helped me crystallise my goals and I did manage to achieve some of the more major ones this year. I would recommend it to anyone. Over the years I’ve heard this all over the place, about different rituals people have or different names they call it. This is one technique that seems to have something to it. As it has been said before in more eloquent words, those who set a goal have more chance of achieving it than those who don’t.

So here is my offering, my Review for 2008:

Writing

It’s been an interesting year for me in the writing field and certainly different from years previous. I’ve discovered that the last 18 months have brought me out of myself. I was stuck in a very private writing world because I was working on something so big very little of what I was writing passed the perfectionist standards required before I could show someone something so personal. Writing for helium and the like helped me to burst this bubble.

In this year I’ve received my first royalty check, made the front page in Helium (October 2008). My journal and the blogging improved my narrative skills which helped me in the new prologue I wrote for the first book in my science fiction series (despite my sabbatical). I also wrote the first draft of the promotional eBook for the book I’m ghost writing. Most of all this year prepared me to face the real world of writing that I intend to venture into next year. The research I did this year and the personal challenges I went through in other aspects of my life gave me a quick book idea to churn out next year too. All in all not a bad year for writing and I suspect this is only the beginning, for I know the best is yet to come.

In order to achieve my plans for next year I intend to narrow my focus. I’m cutting down on public blogging and writing for the affiliates and use this time for short works, as too much effort is going into keeping the affiliates in sync, updated and advertised. I will continue to write in my diary to record things that are worth noting but the blook/blog project will be on hold and for exceptions like this post and those odd times where I have time and inclination, this will not be my focus this year. Also the ghost writing project might take a back seat as there are some delaying factors since the move and it’s been a while since I’ve had material to work from. It will get done but since I have another novel I can work on it might be good timing anyway. It’s not entirely out of the picture just a lower priority.

The sci-fi series I’ve realised now needs to be fleshed out better over the whole series, not just the first book. I need the event timelines for all viewpoints worked out before I can go further. So the writing of these books will go on hold and if I find time I can work on this structure and background work.

Photography

My main goal last year was to get my camera and I managed to do this. Not only that I even ventured out into the world and went on nature and location shoots. I have a lot to learn about the camera but through experimentation and study I’m picking it up. I also started playing with Photoshop, the Canon Raw Editor and Photo Stitch. I managed to set-up my prototype website and shop and defined more closely the business model I want once I’m ready to pursue it commercially.

However the backlog of photographs now is quite big and I had a lot left from my old camera as well. Because the focus next year will be more writing than anything else the gallery, store and website will be on hold. Once the writing site has been revamped in 2009 the same process will go on photography the year after (assuming nothing drastically changes in the meantime). The file backlog happened due to a virus, reinstallation and a loss of a external drive. So my data is scattered across many CD backups and computer hard drives and it needs a big sort out but I know it’s unlikely to happen next year around everything else.

Denmark/Home

As you may know we finally moved to Denmark into what can only be described as my dream house in the country. Although I gained friends, lost friends, faced homelessness and being broke whilst sick, I see this move as a turning point in my life. It helped me let go and go where life took me, rather than fighting my life constantly. Funnily enough I feel relaxed and have more energy. I also got a Job contract as a developer the day we ran out of rent. Not a bad Christmas present when you’re facing the unknown in the current financial climate. Not to mention the cool cat we adopted and whose life we were able to save before the winter set in.

Health

It’s been a topsy-turvy year for my health. I’ve had the full spectrum as usual, but I also found some middle ground of late, something I’ve been lacking recently. I read some Tony Robbins (Ultimate Power) and although it’s out of date I’ve been trying a few things and it’s so far been improving my sleep, pain and moods. (Also see the food section next) I managed to use some modelling/visualisations to cancel out what could have been a very painful experience. I want to do it again to be sure but every time I could feel the pain wanting to creep in I reminded myself of a time when I wasn’t in pain and somehow the pain left me. (I had to do it a few times to keep it going over the day, but it went quickly)

I also went through a depressive spell and a manic spell whilst being here in Denmark. But instead of relying on even more drugs and doctors (I had access to neither anyway) I reordered my thought patterns to create more resourceful states. I found out I was doing a lot of the skills in Ultimate Power without knowing it, or having a name for it. Now I can see what I’ve been doing I’m having even more success with them, not least of which was gaining my recent job offer. (See my new book once it gets here)

Also another thing I’ve decided is I no longer wish to define myself by my diagnoses. They are a medical model of me, I don’t have to limit myself by clinging to that idea of who I am. When I know I can put my mind to anything and can succeed, why succeed in perpetuating a sick persona? I want to just take each day as it comes and not forecast my decline in my mind and live life in the meantime.

The last thing I should note is that I’ve completely withdrawn from all my medications (including pain killers) because of the paperwork lag I’m not signed up to a GP yet in Denmark, so I ran out ages ago. It’s shown me that I can still function pretty well once I readjust to their absence. I may well keep their use to a minimum once I see my new GP and keep them for times when nothing else works.

I’ve come to see my clinging to sickness as a way of trying to escape reality. It’s not that I’m not sick on some level; it’s that I was using it as a buffer between me and the demands of reality. Now I’m willing to just face life, learn what it teaches me and move on to who I’m to become next, I can let go of sickness as a comfort blanket.

Food

I managed to have my most frugal Christmas and it felt great. Christmas in my family was always an overindulgence, so to have cooked and baked things from scratch (in fact I intend to bake some peanut butter cookies once I’m done here) without anything fancy and not feel any lacking was an achievement of sorts. I actually had mushroom pasta on Christmas day as the sauce goes with the left over pork we had. (We had a roast chicken on the 27^th)

I’ve learnt recently (Ultimate Power) that certain food combinations send the stomach into over drive and this causes nervous energy and a lack of sleep (two of my main symptoms). I’ve been following just a handful of changes and I’ve noticed I can stay asleep so much better now. I’m still working on some ideas to help get to sleep and last night I had a small break through by focusing on how things sound and feel externally, not letting my mind chatter so much.

The food changes I’ve made if your interested are: stop having milk in cereal (this mean I don’t have it at all now as I don’t have milk in tea – most dairy apparently clogs up the lymph drainage system anyway), eat fruit on an empty stomach (it’s designed to go straight through and if eaten with other food it ferments in the stomach) and to not drink at meal time to reduce the load on the stomach. There are a few other considerations but since I’m mostly vegetarian they didn’t apply to me. It’s all about treating the stomach well in order to sleep well and therefore reduce pain because the central nervous system was able to reset during the night. I’m excited to see how this turns out over more time.

Social/Work

I’ve moved somewhat in my mind from being a complete loner to within promimity of a team.  I’m tired of having too much work on my shoulders because I don’t want jobs where I collaborate with others for fear of criticism. Critique is how I learn. So I’m much more willing now to be more mindful and engaging with others, something I put down in my resolutions last year.

I also started to see my enemies as equals and teachers. Harbouring any ill will towards them because they hurt me only hurts us both. They have their lives to lead and their lessons to learn, just the same as me. We are just going in different directions is all.

I also want to stop projecting on other people my fears and negative associations so I can push them away. I need to face my inner demons, they don’t. I’ve been on the other end of that firing range so I know how it feels and I don’t wish to do that to people anymore.

Other

I’ve studied quiet a lot about Buddhist/Taoist philosophy and NLP this year and I’ve had quite a few revolutionary insights that have changed me rather deeply. I’ve also learned several songs on the guitar and even written a couple of my own.

—

So as you can see it’s been an eventful year and this is just the stuff that came out of me tonight. One of my problems is I often underestimate just how much I do and therefore undervalue my work and myself. Just writing this tonight has been an experience I look forward to repeating year on year.

Have a great night tonight world and let the New Year bring us the change we need to be ourselves.

I offer these words for reflection…

A Rollercoaster Ride: A Whole Lot of Catching Up To Do with More to Come

I’ve finally reached the stage where I’m just bursting to writing about everything that has happened to me in the last few months. Now that our Danish Internet company has failed yet again to get us online I’ve decided to write it in Word until I can get online properly again. (As you can see we sorted it now!)

I’ve been in Denmark for some time now and the honeymoon period has worn off so I can see clearly again. Since I’ve been away I’ve been up and I’ve been down and I’m back on a more even keel. I find that when something changes my life so dramatically my mind can’t keep up with it all, life becomes almost dreamlike. This paired with the mania that swept me along at first left me open for a lot more than I bargained for.

I think there is something hypnotic about having to spend a lot of money when you’re not used it. It seems to trigger something in me to become reckless and this then infects every level of my being. I get caught up in thinking the universe will catch me from every fall, no matter how much I put myself at risk. I believed I had finally reached the point where the world was bending over backwards in order to get my dream; to be a professional writer and photographer.

I was sure that everything was coming into place. I’ve often had times in my life that when a change was necessary, money I needed suddenly appeared, jobs were offered and houses fell into place. This has happened to me so many times before, when I saw it happening again in order for us to move to Denmark I got the fancy idea that all my worries were over; I was about to become what I always wanted to be.

In a way I have done that, or at least what I need to be for the time being, but I am not where I expected at the start of things. In fact I really had very little expectations to start with; Ray had done most of the work by going over first. I had some idea, I didn’t have a clue.

I heard someone say once ‘you can’t know your own culture unless you see it from the outside’. This has really rung true to me in this move. There is enough here that is the same as Britain, like the countryside for example, but there are many things that are different: Buying oil to heat your home a year’s worth at a time, looking after a wood burner, no internet grocery deliveries, free education including university level and much more that I’ll no doubt be writing about to great extent.

One thing I have found to my cost is that people are still people no matter where you go. I don’t want to go on about it in great depth because I can’t really blame anyone for being who they are and having issues, we all do, but the 8 or so friends we had before we moved have dwindled to perhaps one (although we haven’t heard from him in some time).

Let just say that our former native house mate left us with no car in a house in the middle of nowhere. He was supposed to have fixed us up a car so we didn’t have to rely on him so heavily, but he hadn’t done so. I have no real idea why he left so abruptly but I think tensions built up and then miscommunication and fear did the rest. So again Ray and I find ourselves on the outskirts of society, in this case quite literally, but this time in a foreign land where we are illiterate. (For a writer that last part is painful!)

This is, as you can imagine, when the depression kicked in. I knew now that we had a lot more bills to cover and I would have to work again. Well I know that now; back when this was happening I was hiding from the fact, convinced if I thought hard enough I could find a way in which to get round it. This delusion lasted until last Monday when finally I was forced to face the fact if I wanted to keep this beautiful house in this beautiful place, the kind of place you could grow old in, that I would have to sacrifice my fantasy again.

One thing that has been good about going through this down though was that I learned something vital about depression. I learned that no matter what you love, what your passions are, given enough ground depression can make you loose your interest in anything.

For a period we had both fallen into a slump, to allow a bit of time to recover from the shock of being cut off from our friends. In this time I had plenty of opportunity to work on my books and take some wonderful shots out of the window at the sunsets here. I couldn’t do it, the depression was winning. I was almost convinced that all I wanted out of life was to stare out of that window at the countryside and think. That was the sum total of my ambition.

I’m not saying that we don’t need a break to regroup sometimes and I do think I needed it, but I realised that unless I fight this creeping, infectious assumption I would loose my books to it. I would loose anything I wanted out of life.

At this point when I saw this pattern unfold in my mind I realised that this same attitude that spoiled everything could be the cause behind my phobia and loathing to be in my line of work in IT. There are many real issues that make it difficult, but on the mental level if I don’t have the motivation it just doesn’t get done, if I do it always does in the end.

As soon as that was in my mind I knew it was right and over this week I’ve gradually come back to a more stable mindset, without any medication ever entering my system. I seriously feel ready to venture out there again, only a week ago that was alien to me. Sometimes it just takes one thought to turn your life around.

I’ll be going over some of the other topics I mentioned here later on, as I’ve much to say on my move to Denmark, but these thoughts seemed to want to come out first so here they are.

So, I offer these words for reflection…

The Overwhelming Need To Record Everything

As a writer and a photographer I have a natural instinct to share my experiences with my fellow humans. In fact this was so instilled in me that anything that occurred when I was without my camera or a pad of paper filled me with a deep sense of loss. Instead of appreciating the moment life offered me, I saw it as a wasted opportunity.

I’ve always been one for recording the world around me. As a kid I used to make ‘mix tapes’ of my favourite songs to cheer people up and when I couldn’t find a song to express my feelings I would write one instead. I made scrapbooks full of cut outs from photos, magazines and newspapers of interesting images or stories (sometimes they never made it to the scrapbook and were left in piles around me). Every time there was a good film on I would record it on blank tapes, to the point where I had no more space to put them all until eventually they went into the bin, some unwatched since the initial recording.

This naturally progressed to the inner world, slowly building up fantasies that now provide the basis of my science fiction novels. Many experiences struck accord so deep that I had to write about them, such was the need to share. Sometimes the only way I could truly express myself was through the written word. I once wrote a short story based on an incident that happened to me when I was hurt by my friends and unable to bring it to their attention any other way, I just let them read the story.

This way of viewing the world was easily accelerated by the medium of photography. I’ve always been able to find beauty in everything and anything and I’ve always enjoyed showing this everyday magic to others. An image can say a thousand words or so they say and I think I found that medium of expression intoxicating because of that. More ways to bare the soul, more ways to record.

Of course rarely does a picture, even a great shot, compare with the beauty of life. Real life is impermanent; a shot taken in less than a second is not. Before you can check it on the digital display the world around you has changed and never again will it be exactly the same. A photograph on the other hand can last for decades.

This reflection has at least sunk into the point where I realise now why I’ve been so obsessed with recording the world. I’m trying to hang onto it, clinging in the hopes of some refuge in the wonder I see around me. I want it to last forever to keep me safe. But every moment has a death, just like us, and perhaps I’ve been running from that; determined to reserve as much as I can in the museum of my work.

For along time when I started my science fiction novels I believed I was about to write something so fundamentally important that mankind just wouldn’t be able to survive without it. Now it’s possible I will do this, or even write a best seller, but I’m not caught up in that romantic idea any more, nor am I dependant on it occurring. I’ll write my books because I want to, because they do express something worthy to me; my life and my views of the future. I think that can be the only audience worth getting up in the morning to write for. If we do it only for others approval then the work is never truly ours to begin with, like anything else in life (e.g. how many of our careers are based on what our parents wanted?).

However, I think the reason I continue writing is because some part of my heart lifts when I do. I could easy just stop and dedicate the time to inner reflection, but perhaps a part of my time here is to pass a bit on, in whatever crude way I can while I can. I can however let go of the need to preserve everything. I can watch beautiful images from the world slip away even though I know I will never get to my camera in time. I can just bare witness to the wonder rather than loose myself in the frustration of another shot lost, another thing the world cannot share with me through my eyes. Rather I can be the witness for the world and let it be exactly as it is before letting it go forever, because who knows who else is watching with me in that moment. I could be sharing already.

I offer this for reflection…

Being Rushed Is Just A Feeling

Ever wake up and feel from the moment consciousness seeps back into your brain in the morning, until the final moment that fleets through your thoughts at night, that life is just one big rush?

I used to find myself always jumping up to get things done out of some ingrained childhood habit of seeking approval. I don’t know what it is about me, but my time never feels like mine, even when as a professional I’m mostly in change of my diary. When a email pops into my box I rush to get things done, causing the conditions of those who like to delegate to come back to me next time they can’t be bothered to do something.

This habit, combined with a compulsive inability to say no and low self esteem, has caused me to rush through most my life; impulsively jumping all over the place in order to please. However I was not satisfied with just this level of neurosis. I spent a lot of my life also trying to be perfect at everything I do, due to a very strict and pushy father. If I wasn’t perfect at it and it wasn’t career worthy, it was a waste of time. I haven’t spoken to him since 2002, but still these tendencies are only starting to reveal how deep the root is.

This year I’ve been doing some ’self retreat’ work during my sick time, holidays and with my meditation practise. Since then I’ve noticed how long it takes me to completely unwind from a day of work. Even at home if there are things to be done I’ll be rushing to get them sorted so I can sit in my chair in peace for the evening.

Sometimes when I change my routine because I go on holiday or go back to work, or I get a second wind after over doing it, it usually triggers mania so I can’t sleep and my mind is buzzing with loads of ideas. This phase is when I’m really prone to get myself entangled in all sorts of projects in order to create a sense of worth by my productivity, especially if it’s off my own steam. This just increases the rush as my mind charges about at a million miles per second. Then when I crash shortly afterwards and have to take a day off these ‘commitments’ are doomed to fail, leave in their wake a sense of worthlessness.

For so long I thought mania was just being normal, as it was the only time I seemd to get things done. When you look around sometimes at commuters in the streets you can see why. Everyone seems to be going at a supper fast pace. Personally I think this country expects too much from us, which is why I think the family unit is crumbling compared to the European continent as we have a poorer work-life balance.

So having noticed this tendacy to rush and how it sparks mood swings, it dawned on me (with thanks to some Dharma talks!) that being rushed is just a feeling. I don’t have to have my head at work the second I wake up. I’m not paid for that. I don’t have to reprimand myself for taking an extra minute over things because I needed to take a deep breath and tell myself to relax. It’s OK to look out for myself. This feeling is just a conditioned mess of neurons firing in my brain, nothing definitive about the nature of reality.

Obviously there are some things that are time dependant like catching the bus, but having given myself an extra five minutes in my morning routine simply dedicated for ‘not rushing’ it’s amazing how much better I feel in the long run. Sometimes I have a few minutes after I’m ready to just sit down and clear my mind. That never used to happen before. If you know me, you’ll know I’m a chronic insomniac and early mornings aren’t fun, but even I can manage to get up 5 minutes earlier for my mental health, in fact it’s 15 minutes if you include my mini meditation session.

However, like I’ve learned all my life, once you can see a negative thought or pattern you have to digg it up to get the root out. You may know intellectually there is no justification for something but emotionally it takes time for the heart to heal and let go of it’s habit to close down in the rush. But like a puppy that was ill treated it can be tamed and brought back to health, with time patience and love. No-body should be so important as to make you disregard your needs, not even your lover…and if I can figure that out then hopefully by writing this you can too

How we start the day drastically affects how the day goes. If we start nervous, impatient and frustrated then it’s no surprise this lingers and spoils the whole day like an infection. So take it easy, blow off some steam and like Bertrand Russell said: “Wasting time is not time wasted”, especially if it’s spent on yourself.